The Best Summer Yet

Posted on August 13, 2013 by Regina

Being a working Mama has clearly changed my availability to keep my little blog up to date. It’s a pretty packed life around here– while totally exhausted, I love it.

Work
Work is good. I’ve got my sea legs under me and I’m learning how to be effective in a large company. I getting better at what I do and am learning a lot. I love best leading my team and people and driving the strategies I/we design. The nature of the work is intense so I’m learning to not take it home with me. When I get home, I am just full-on with my girlies. I can’t get enough. Some mornings I’m gone before they wake. That’s really hard. Then I only see them about once every 24 hours, for just a couple of hours. I hate that.

Sleep
My sleep is still wacked. I’ve gone to a sleep specialist and have been diagnosed with Chronic Sleep Insomnia. I went in for an overnight sleep study (hated to be away from all 3 of my girls but knew it’d benefit everyone in the long run). The “treatment” for insomnia is CBTI (cognitive behavioral therapy). I was also diagnosed with upper respiratory restriction (which Danielle told me about in my last reading). Lastly, they found my alpha waves are all screwed up. That is, I feel awake for hours but doze for about 30 secs every few minutes. It’s torture. My sleep doc says my prognosis for getting back to “normal sleep” (I can hardly imagine) is very good considering I didn’t have sleep issues before I had babies. I teared up with relief and joy when she told me that.

The girls sleep 12 hours a night and 1.5-2 hours in the day. Unless they are teething (2 yrs molars coming in right now), they sleep so well. Not only do they sleep well, they love their sleep. This makes me a happy mama.

Body
I did a cleanse before my breast reduction. I lost about 14 pounds, a couple pounds in the surgery and a couple since then. I’m sitting about 120-122 now and I feel great. I actually feel more sexy and “me” than I ever have in the whole of my life. Being a mama suits me, I think.

Gina has lost about 20 pounds too! Of course, she’s running after toddlers and has no time to eat so it was less intentional. She’s thrilled nonetheless. Plus, I think she looks hot. Being a mommy suits her well, too.

The House
This house is little. We love it. really like it. We also like that that there is a gorgeous front and back yard that we’ve been making good use of all spring and summer (it’s been glorious weather this year). When the sun is really beating down it smells like sweet pine needles, not unlike camping. Nature it’s wildlife are abundant. I love that my girls get that. We plan to stay here at least another year until we all grow out of it.

The Girls
The girls are amazing. 21 months old last week. They are smart, clever, fast, coordinated and charming each in their own ways. They are funny, imaginative, musical and passionate (little Scorpios that they are).

They love to “do it themselves” whatever “it” may be; from getting dressed to going potty (they are deep in the throes of using the potty more than their diapers). They play outside in our yard a lot — they particularly like making “pinecone soup” in their metal bucket. They love their little pool, their slide, drawing, music, animals, balls and bubbles. They LOVE to color; “More. Color. More. Color. More. Color.” Poor Gina.

Gina takes them to live music, the park, grocery shopping (seems we are always buying, eating and running out of food), playdates, and the Oregon Zoo (thanks to my SIL for year membership) just about every week.

Day to Day
When I come home, they run and squeal and we hug and giggle. Then we play for a spell until it’s time for dinner. We all eat, then we bathe. I slather them up in coconut oil, change them into jammies and we read books. They LOVE their books. We say goodnight and shut the door. Eight months in and I still cry a little each time I say goodnight (though I’m exhausted). It’s not necessarily gotten easier to be away from them but I’ve gotten used to the rhythm and it’s gotten easier to manage my longing and missing them.

After they are down, Gina and I clean the house, do dishes and I pack my lunch for the next day. We do any little bits of catching up, bills, email or whatnot and I get ready for bed. I try to be in bed by 9pm and asleep by 10pm but often it’s not until midnight, either insomnia or just as I fall out, a baby wakes (teething or whatnot).

Each hour, each day that goes by, I wish I could capture, savor and remember forever. I always think, “Oh, I want to remember that for the blog, or for their memory book.” and then, inevitably, the next hour it’s gone (my memory is shot).

Weekends
Weekends are sacred to me.

We do a lot of fun stuff, outings and adventures. From farms to fairgrounds to music festivals, our girls have an amazing life filled with unique experiences, as much outdoors as possible and very few (but fun) toys.

We took the girls to their first fiddle contest this past week at the Benton Country Fairgrounds. It was so sweet to see my daughters walking in the world of fiddle music and fiddle community that I once grew up in. Many of the people I grew up with were there with their children too. It was pretty cool. Genevieve walked up and stared at the kids playing fiddle. I said to her, “Maybe someday you might like to play the fiddle.” She smiled and nodded big. I hope so.

Genevieve
Genevieve is steady,  strong and clear. She is tall for her age– the size of most 2.5-3yr olds. The chips in her front teeth (from teething on the metal part of the stroller as a toddler) are adorable. Her hair is thick, brown and so curly she gets kinks in the back. Her body is solid, she’s an incredible hugger. She is silent in many ways, working things out methodically on her own. She looks deep into people’s eyes and she assesses fairly quickly. If you are in, you are golden, she’s a total love bug. If not, well, please don’t take offense. We do our best to honor her choices.

Calliope
Calliope is such a happy spirit. When I got home today she kept signing and saying “happy, mama, happy, mama.” She was happy her mama was home and I was a happy mama. She’s little and spry. She is up and down quickly, passionate and light all at once. That said, she is also easily stimulated. She dislikes chaos and too much noise. She doesn’t like to be held or touched by people she doesn’t know. When socializing is too much for her, she leaves the room and finds her peace. We honor her, too.

I like that both my girls know how to take care of themselves. I like that we honor them in that. I like that we are learning how to take care of them, while (still) learning how to care for ourselves and each other.

We are going to California in early September. We’ll see my family and Gina’s family, most of whom have not met the girls. We’ll only be there for 5 days but it already doesn’t feel like enough while also feeling like a lot. Likely and hopefully, it’ll land just right.

I’d like to think that I’ll be back to the blog soon, updating about sleep studies and the trip to California but alas, I’ll likely write again long after the seasons have changed. For now, enjoy the pics below.

Until then,
Love. Love.
regina

P.S. Gina and I as a couple are doing well. Growing, laughing, fighting… even dating on occasion. Considering ourselves very, very blessed.

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Flying Time

Posted on April 14, 2013 by Regina

Absolutely incredible that the last post was year end and here we are mid-April. We must be having a blast because it’s shocking to me how much time has flown by. Over FOUR months. Wow.

In short, our family is wonderful. The girls are big and healthy and funny and bright and lovey. Gina is still home with them. Work at Nike is more fulfilling (and harder) than I imagined. We are getting out and doing more social things… we even took our first plane trip with the girls! We went to Boulder, CO to visit two sisters, their kids (all the cousins together for the first time) and my mom. It was fantastic. Lastly, this Friday, April 19th, I am having the long awaited breast reduction surgery.

Those are the highlights. Below is a relatively short blog I wrote a couple of months ago. It’s still relevant; mostly because it tracks the girls’ development, at least a little bit, as well as our adjustment to work.

Funny though, when I just re-read it I noticed that things have already changed. For example, in the blog below, the girls were signing up to 90 signs each– at 15 months old! Today, while they still sign, they sign far less as they are trying out their verbal skills with a fervor. Conversely, some things are even moreso; for example, while I said below that Genevieve is a climber, little did I now how much of a climber she’d turn out to be. At just 16 months old (and as tall as many 2 year olds by the way) she could climb and “big girl” slide by her self, slide down the slide, get off and go back and do it all over again (we “spot” her, of course, though she totally hates it… she wants to do it just on her own). Now at 17 months, she picks up boxes, moves strollers and slides whatever she can to construct her own little (or big) climbing play structures in the house. She’s obsessed with climbing. Calliope, on the other hand, gets to the park, stands in one spot and stares at the slides and swings, then quietly walks over to the grass, sits down and picks flowers. For ever. So different those two, and so equally lovely.

Anyway, suffice to say, things change at the speed of light around here and I, the one who wants to capture everything, must resign myself to the fact that I won’t.

Last two bits: a couple of weekends ago Linda came to town for a fun visit and took photos of the girls. We had a blast. Below are some of the pics. We are so lucky she gives us this gift every now and again. The girls will have these awesome keepsakes forever.

And, last night Gina and Sonja and friends threw me a totally fun party! It was a “Ta-ta! to the tatas.” party. Farewell big boobies! All my friends together loving me up, standing by my side while I head in to this milestone.  We did collages of the good that is to come, we made chi-chi cocktails, boobie cupcakes and we burned a bra that felt like a torture device. I’m ready for the next chapter. Bring it on!

Likely it will be another few months before I write again. Until then, Ta-Ta!
xo,
regina

Photo Gallery
Below are photos by Linda Brooks Photography (just a few), our trip to Boulder and the TaTa party. So many others at the park and whatnot but for now, this will suffice.

Below the pics is the short Feb Blog post.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
February Blog

Spring: New growth for us all

Two whole months since the last entry. Feels like 2 years.

The girls are bigger, stronger, know more. Gina has settled into a rhythm of being home with them, providing a stable, loving, routine for them every day. I’ve been at my job for a full three months now and finding my own rhythm there too. That said, here it is Sunday evening, always the hardest night of the week for me given it means I won’t see my girls much again until the coming weekend. I haven’t quite figured out the “balance” to this working-mama thing. It’s hard. It’s hard to manage it all, it’s hard to stay present wherever I am and it’s hard on my heart.

I know all moms go through this. No matter how many working moms I talk to I still haven’t figured it out.

Currently, I’m pondering the question: how do I stay in my body and heart and yet work in (a fantastic) corporate company that is full of all the elements that can easily call us away (deadlines, crises, competitiveness, etc.)? How do I hold the loss of being apart from my girls all day yet enjoy the part of me that is driven and competitive, and totally fueled by my job that I love? Like I said, not sure I’ve figured anything out (or that I ever will). Perhaps I just learn how to manage being so torn between all these things.

Gina starts back to work tomorrow—one day a week. While she’s away our dear friends Margret and Abby will be with the girls. It’ll be the first time they are alone with anyone other than us—mostly. They had 2.5 hours once with Camille ages ago. Gina will leave at 12:30 and I’ll be home at 5pm. Earlier if I can. I know they will be safe and at home and well cared for but I can’t help but feel nervous tonight. I guess it’s really the dawn of the next chapter. Our girls are getting bigger. Gina will be working more and more (gradually… we need the income we’ve found).

There are thousands of things I want to share about the girls but each week new things happen and I forget so quickly.

I’ve been meaning to blog as it’s important to me to capture these days, weeks, months that are passing so quickly.

Calliope
Giggles. Joy. Laughter. Free spirit. Light hearted. Loves books. Speed reads. Sits for ever and reads. Tiny. Spry. Bright eyed. Verbal. Signs. Stubborn. Skilled with her fork and spoon. Feels her emotions intensely. Shy with new people. Sensory.

Genevieve
Loving. Cuddly. Smart. Deep. Slow. Steady. Signs a lot. 1:1 kind of girl. Stubborn. Independent. Adores her sister. Sometimes goes to hug Calliope and about strangles her. Facile and agile. Loves to climb.

Both are independent in many ways. They are clear in their wants and we do our best to given them what they need to learn, explore and feel in themselves.

My body
After decades of waiting, the time has arrived for my breast reduction surgery. I’ve jumped all the hoops, crossed the t’s, dotted the i’s and nursed my aching neck and back long enough. April 19th I will go under the knife and come out about 3-4 pounds lighter.

In the big picture, we are having fun. We are blessed. We are good. As life goes… there’s always something to learn, something to be engaged in. For me—it’s being a mama and a wife. Being a mama and manager/contributor/bread earner. Being a mama and a friend. Being a mama and being me. I suppose this is the path I’ll be walking for years now—and because our journey in getting here wasn’t easy, I am even more grateful. Like a walking meditation, the “answer” to the inquiry is not the destination. Thank the goddess because it’s clear, I’d likely never arrive. 🙂

Love,
regina

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Ending the Year 2012

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Regina

Hard to believe it’s been 8 weeks since I last wrote; feels more like 8 months.

So much has happened and so much has changed. We, as family, are different.

From where we last left off, it was just about Halloween, the girls were almost walking, the house had just sold, we had just landed a place to live and the interviews with Nike were progressing.

Today, just six weeks later, the girls are practically running, we packed up, shipped out and have been in our new home for almost 2 months (we love it, by the way). And, perhaps one of the biggest changes of all, as of November 26th, I am a Nike employee/a working mama while Gina is a full-time, stay-at-home Mommy.

The month of November was really, really hard. It also happened to be mercury retrograde and if I weren’t a believer before, I am now. We had so many hiccups I thought things would never smooth out. But, it did and we are, just in the last few days, settling into our new routine.

The girls had a blast at Kennedy School for Halloween. We did too. Loved showing them off and meeting other twin parents and kiddos. The next day, we all got sick. Big sick. Chest cold, sick for a month kind of sick. That was also the day we had to go sign papers to close on the house. It was much more emotional than I anticipated. No wonder we got sick. As much as I was ready to get out from under the weight of the house, get our financial stability back and set up a better future for our girls, I still grieved for the home we had lived in for seven years. The next day was the day of the actual move. The movers came at 8am. I took the girls to New Seasons, our last journey there. It was a gorgeous, cold, fall day. I cried with my sore throat, called my friend Jen and took some time to process all of what was happening. Despite the sadness from the day before, the mood was sort of festive. I think we were all excited to get on to the next chapter.

We spent our first night in our new home quietly. The girls went to sleep in their new room (we’d mostly set up just like their old room) easily and without a hitch.

Then our sickness got worse. Over the next week we painted, unpacked (with the help of some very generous friends), lost our kitty Sookie in the eves of the roof for 2 days, lost Neko in our car for 8 hours and I attended yet another round of interviews.

We tore the roof apart to get Sookie and got lucky to find Neko. We tended to our sickness, all coughing with too much phlegm in our chests, and we got all the other little details ironed out (the wrong dishwasher delivered, bad customer service refusing to pick up, packages left at our other address, diapers delivered to the wrong place, horrible mold on our windows, etc.)

Somewhere in there Gina worked heartily and I was, eventually and finally, offered a position at Nike as a Sr. Employee Relations Manager. $100K with a 15% bonus and all our benefits paid for. A blessing beyond belief for our family and the second biggest heartache for me as a Mama yet. The offer came in on a Monday and I was asked to start the following Monday. I had one week (Thanksgiving week) left with my babies and my world as I’d known it. The night I got the call, I cried. No, that’s not quite right. I sobbed. For hours I felt my heart ache and pull as I imagined being gone from them all day and only seeing them at night. I called a dear friend who is also a working Mom and she loved me up, really got it and gave me some sage advice.

The next week was so bittersweet. So good to be together but sickness inflamed. None of our colds were better and my doc thought I had pneumonia. I got on strong meds. Then we thought Genevieve had it, too. A few days later, she spiked a 104 fever. That lasted for a few days then it broke suddenly and she got a rash all over. Mystery solved. Roseola. The next day, Calliope spiked her fever. 105. Higher and longer. Scary. Cool bathes and cold socks. When they were sick we obviously got nothing done. One mama would just hold a baby while she laid limp and moaned. The other Mama would be with the other baby and tend to everyone’s needs. It was so, so hard emotionally. Even though I know Moms go through some version of this (having their kids sick) all around the world, it still felt like a crisis to us. Our first time;  we learned a lot.

We cancelled Thanksgiving plans and just stayed in, our family, together. Quiet and sweet. That weekend we all felt loads better (and Mercury Retrograde ended incidentally). We took walks on cold sunny days, took the girls to see their first big Christmas tree in Pioneer Square and spontaneously met up with some friends at a local brewery downtown. We celebrated our new life and what the new roles for each of us would bring. We were happy. So, so happy.

Sunday night, the last night before it all would change, I called my new boss to sort out details for the Employee Orientation. As we chatted about working hours, etc. it hit me how little I’d see my girls. I sobbed all over again. Until I felt sick. I thought, and even said outloud, I don’t know if I can do it. Gina just heard me and held me.

The next morning I left the house while it was still dark outside, the girls fast asleep, and made my way in to my first day of work. As excited as it would have been years ago, it was bittersweet that day. Dream fulfilled (stay at home mama) ended. That said, another dream (working at Nike) was just beginning. And, I am still a Mama. I called my two dear Nike friends, Kori and Rhona, who helped me make my way, redirecting my heartache as needed to get through the day. I raced home at 4pm and the girls literally fell into my arms squealing with delight. I cried more.

That first week was rough. I cried myself to sleep every night and my heart ached all during the days. But, as everyone promised, it got easier. Or, perhaps I just learned how to be with the sadness and the longing.

Now, two months in, we are finding our groove. I toggle back and forth from “this is the best life ever!” with my amazing wife home caring for our amazing daughters to longing and sadness when I have longer days than I’d like and I see the girls only an hour or so. But, the weeks are flying by and the weekends feel long and sweet. I am honored I can be a provider for my family this way—it feels good (a pleasant surprise) and of course it feels good for my adult brain to be engaged in new thoughts, ideas, and being of service—my work—again.

Sleep
For a while, it was not ideal. We hadn’t slept well for over 3 months. Felt like we were going backward and even more tortuous over time.

After we were all so sick and lost loads of sleep from coughing, etc., the girls’ one year molars began to come in. Who knew there were one year molars? Apparently, they are the most painful of the lot, but you may recall, that’s what I was told about the last set that came in (the eye teeth). So, we have 8 molars to come in, in this house and it’s taken the better part of the last 2 months. About once to twice a week someone gets advil for the pain and the mommies get a little wine/whiskey/beer for our patience. It’s not easy; there were weeks we each slept about 3-5 hours a night more than one night in a row. But then, something will happen, the tooth will bust through, they’ll both sleep well and we’ll catch a solid 8 hours. I think knowing that 8 hours is possible now makes it even harder on the nights we are up rocking an agitated baby who just can’t sleep, or listening wide awake in bed while she tries to work it out. Sigh.

The last few weeks something has shifted though. The girls have been sleeping more soundly and we’ve been catching a solid 6-8 hours every night. Then, if we are lucky, a few more after that. KNOCK ON WOOD… I do believe we’ve hit a new normal. The girls sleep 12-13 hours a night and only occasionally wake around 5 or 6am due to being wet (leaking) or hungry. It’s better for everyone and we are so grateful. Please, God, let it stay this way.

My Health
My insomnia is getting better, thanks to my ND, and while I’m still taking some supplements (cortisol manager) and herbs to aid with sleep, I am taking them less and less. The last few weeks I’ve been off all of them totally. I still occasionally use my sleep hypnosis but usually only when hormones are peaked.

One thing that makes it hard to sleep is my nightsweats. I go through anywhere from 1-3 shirts a night and we have to wash the sheets all the time because I just soak them at night. My body, clothes, hair, pillow are all wet. The shirts are so wet that in the morning they I can sometimes wring them out. Yes, gross. Acupuncture and herbs and it’s not quite there yet… but hopefully soon. Just in the last week, it’s gotten better. Fingers crossed here too.

In the last few months there I was losing weight at light speed. Back down to below baby weight even without trying or paying much attention. Now, just in 2.5 weeks at work, I think I’ve put back on at least 5 pounds. Going from being so active to so sedentary (and eating more given I just have more time to eat) is a big change.

Gina and I
We are in awesome shape. Despite October and November being two really tough months, we amaze me. We are generous with each other, laughing, kissing, talking and a really good team. We still bicker and have our little stuff because you know, we’re us. 🙂

Shifting roles has been one of the best things for our relationship in all of our 12.5 years. We each have such a clear picture of the other person’s current role and life; from all the benefits to the challenges. For the record, staying home is harder. Hands down. Being away at work is harder on the heart but as for all other areas, physically/mentally and the like… being at home is harder. AND, it’s also the better, sweeter. Gina is beside herself with joy that she gets to do this. The plan is for at least a year. In the Spring, she’ll likely start picking up weekend and evening jobs just for her sanity, a little extra money and to stay in the game. Come January we’ll start searching for a new sitter so the girls can have someone other than us in their life regularly and so that Gina and the two of us can get time away now and again.

Typical Day
As the days grow shorter, my time is very clearly defined. I wake up, spend an hour getting ready with the girls playing at my feet. I grab coffee and food to go. I race to work, literally running up the stairs to my office. From 8:30-5 I work like a fiend. I race back down the stairs and curse traffic (or listen to Eckart Tolle) all the way home. About 5:40 I pull into the driveway, wave to the girls in the window, open the door and let them come running into my arms laughing and squealing with delight. Then I hold them, kiss them, cry a little and eventually peel off my coat and shoes and feed them dinner that Gina has prepared. I climb into the bath with them and then get them all dressed for bed. I read to them while Gina gets their bottles ready and together as a family we do our final nighttime routine. I’m giddy with delight this entire time. By 7pm we walk out of their room and I let myself feel my sadness for time too short with girls, my exhaustion, and my hunger.

Gina and I make dinner, eat, clean up the house and dishes. We get ready for bed, go to sleep by 10pm, wake-up and do it all again. That’s my week. Wake, drive, work, drive, babies, chores, sleep. Repeat. Nothing in between, and nor do I want there to be. I’m focused right now on the two most important things and that’s about all I can handle. I’m grateful.

The Girls
In the meantime, here are some updates on those incredible girlies. They are so damn fun, smart, funny and cute!

Calliope
Small but mighty, Calliope laughs, squeals and giggles with delight. She is a constant good time. Unless she’s not feeling good. Even then, I’m surprised by how resilient she is. She is sing-songy and verbal. She loves books. She’ll sit in the book corner just pouring over books for long stretches at a time turning the pages and reading them out loud (babbling), looking at the pictures. Then she’ll carefully pick her favorite one, stand up and walk to Gina or I, hold out the book and say, “Dah?” We read the book to her. G will join and we’ll do it all over again. And again and again and again. We never tire of this.

Calliope is agile and petite. She is coordinated and strong. The other day she climbed right up and over into the bathtub landing head first… after being surprised she giggled her way out.

Calliope has started fighting for her space in her sibiling relationship, too. G used to be able to take anything from her and even be physically more assertive. Not anymore. Ms C is now holding her own.

You know that delicious sweet smell of a freshly made organic beeswax candle? Or, the smell of a fresh honeycomb? That is exactly what Calliope smells like. All the time. It’s incredible. At first I thought it was the shampoo we use but alas, each girls smells different. And beeswax is Calliope’s smell.

Genevieve
Such a strong-willed, powerful force. Her voice is so loud and she loves using it. She giggles too, but mostly to the beat of her own inner musings, randomly and out of the blue. Though her mamas and a few special friends can get a smile out of her, mostly she still just looks deeply into people’s eyes, brows knit together trying to make sense of what she’s seeing. She plays independent and solo a lot. When she’s into something we’ve asked her not to get into (i.e. the lamp plug or the dirt in the potted plant) and we walk over to her and ask her gently what she’s doing, she gets this look on her face that tells us the best part about what she’s doing is that she’s not suppose to be doing it. Then she gives us a little devlish grin and dips her hand back just close enough to see if she can push the boundary. I absolutely love this about her.

G is cuddly. She loves to hug people and her stuffed animals. Often two at once. When we go new places, she’ll be the first to find (and hang on to) a stuffed animal– even in places where I was sure there’d be none. She even loves to “pet” Calliope as she learns the concept of “gentle” (although, it’s really already in her nature).

Genevieve is independent. She likes to push her sister around in her new wagon, get herself dressed as best she can, and feed herself. If and when it doesn’t work for her to do these things she very clearly lets us know her displeasure. We give her as much opportunity to do on her own all that she desires.

Genevieve smells so yummy, too. She smells earthier, muskier, deeper in a way, than her sister. Hard to explain exactly but I obviously love it just as much as C’s honeycomb scent.

Both
At almost 14 months old, Calliope measure 30.75 inches tall and is 19.5lbs. Genevieve measure 32.5 inches and is 21lbs 11oz. They are each within “normal” range. C is super petite. G is thin but sturdy and much taller (she wears one size bigger in clothes and almost in shoes). Their hair is curly and their eyes big. People comment mostly on those features.

They still make each other the happiest. They find each other funny and interesting. They are each other’s favorite people.

Interesting, when one of them takes something from the other (food off tray for example, or a toy), or bonks the other on the head (purpose or accidental) they don’t seem to care much. They act how they would if they, say, bonked their own head on accident. No upset. BUT, if it’s anyone other than “Sister” that commits the crime, they are vocal about it. It’s a twin thing we’ve learned and these two are no different.

Their language comprehension is incredible. Even though they don’t use verbal words right now, we can reason with them, explain to them, make requests of them, encourage them, etc…. and they respond clearly. Today Gina asked Calliope to bring her a Nike sneaker. She promptly walked over to the shoe bin, pulled out a tiny little Nike sneaker from all the other shoes and brought it back to Gina. Gina, who thought it was a fluke, asked her to go get another one. She did. And then another and she did that too.

Both girls sign a lot. G might sign just a bit more and C is perhaps trying to work out verbal words like Idgie, ball, mama, bubbles a tad more than G. They both sign these words: bath, water, food, please, milk, sleep, all-done, potty, frog, pig, more, meat, socks, tree, owl, fish, bed/nap, duck, tree… and I’m sure there are more that I’m missing. Everyday, it seems, they learn a new sign. To be clear, those are just the signs they know to use. There are tens more that they understand when we sign to them. Sometimes we have whole exchanges not using any verbal words at all. It’s comforting to know that they can communicate to me/us what they need and we can then meet their needs much of the time.

One of the sweetest things as of late is them kissing each other. At bedtime book routine, right before sleep, or just randomly in the day, one will reach over to the other with an open mouth and the other will reciprocate as they “kiss” open mouth to open mouth. It’s so, so sweet (and slightly hysterical).

They love blowing “raspberries” on Gina and my big soft bellies. They love standing on and climbing in cardboard boxes. Most of their days are spent playing in the living room (with big picture windows and gorgeous nature view). They listen to music, play with their musical toys, and dance around with their silk scarves their auntie Diana gave to them.

They like to feed themselves and are getting more and more adept at using a spoon… though it’s still incredibly messy. 🙂 They LOVE to dip their food in other food now, a little fun trick their Nana taught them when she came to visit. They drink from straws now, and are totally fascile with their sippy cups and can drink from regular cups too. Favorite thing to drink is soup from a bowl. I have them take turns and when it’s one’s turn the other grabs my arm with the strength of a hungry alligator (to pull it back to her for her own consumption).

In general, the biggest shift since the last time I wrote is that then they were still babies and today, just weeks later, they are toddlers. Next week they’ll be 5yrs old. I’m sure of it.

It really is going so fast but we are doing our best to savor every single moment. We don’t let one little drop leave us. It’s difficult to describe in words the love, awe, respect and admiration I have for these two little beings. So blessed I am that this is my family.

I’ll likely blog less and less now that I’m working. I’ve been trying to get this one out for over a month. So, for now, I’ll say thank you for being present during our conception journey, during my pregnancy and for the first year of our new life as a family of four. It’s been a totally wild and wonderful ride. Without you, our community, we simply could not have done it. And, it would not have been nearly as sweet. 

Ever grateful,
regina

xxoo

P.S. The photos are a collection from over two months so there are many. Amazing how we can see them grow before our very eyes.

Posted in Believing, Community, Friends, Funnies, Learning, Love and Gratitude, Second Trimester | 2 Comments

Late October Transitions

Posted on October 24, 2012 by Regina

* I wrote this journal entry the first week in October.

Our home has sold, the inspection is complete and the house is slowly getting packed up. We are quickly looking for a place to live and my interviews with Nike are progressing.

One minute think we’ve found a new place to call home, the next minute not. The places we are finding look better online than in person (that’s an understatement) and I’ve left many a time in tears.

It’s not easy not knowing where our next home will be and I try to remind myself that this state of limbo is not forever and that my fear is really in the unknown. I’m having a hard time finding the place in me that used to always know things would turn out just find, it’d all be ok, better even. This time the stakes are higher. I want a good life for my girls and a part of that means a good home, neighbors and community.

The girls keep my spirits high though; they keep me laughing and keep me remembering what is important.

Genevieve
G is *this close* to walking. She stands FOREVER and thinks long and hard about taking a step but then decides to either stand some more or just slowly sit back down. Always a strong core, that one, and never (ever) to be rushed. At anything. I love it.

She is blossoming overnight. She is funny and cuddly and very strong willed. She is very clear about who she loves and where she’s cautious. I hope that stays with her for her lifetime.

She loves to clap and dance. She seems to be going through more linguistic growth, just in the last day or two intentionally saying “Mama.” Bestill my heart. And while she LOVES her sister, she is slightly less focused on her than she used to be and more focused on all the curious things around her.

Her big, dark, brown eyes seem to get more captivating every day. She’s an old soul, that one. It’s in her eyes.

Calliope
C is just as wiggly, happy and passionate as ever. She’s walking better with help now, too. We took her to a specialist who determined that her issue is a nuerological one. That is, her all the neurons were not firing to her little feet telling them how to move her feet as she walked, so, she just ended up on her tip toes and her legs falling forward. She now has exercises daily (watching red stripes move upward in an app called Optodrum) and she already has had leaps and bounds of improvement. The best part is that she is excited and enjoys walking now. I love it.

She’s melodic in her voice still, practicing quiet, whispery “la la la’s” and loud high pitch squeals of delight (or disapproval). Anyway you slice it, she’s living into the meaning of her name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* I wrote this on Thursday morning, October 18th. I was hurting. 

Not sure how I’ll feel in retrospect but right here right now this feels like one of the most stressful times in my life.

My family needs to be out of our home in a matter of days,  we do not yet have a place to live and the prospects are gloomy at best.

The house needs to be packed up, items sold and sorted. The movers come in about 2 weeks and I seriously fear we’ll be couch surfing with two babies… or in some odd apartment building with noise and strangers all around us.

Genevieve is teething- badly. Like never before. She’s up 3-4 hours a night and even though Gina does the lion’s share, I can’t not help and I certainly can’t sleep through her screaming. It tears through my body, mostly my heart. Holding her doesn’t help and laying her down doesn’t help. Either way she’s in pain. It’s unreal the feeling of my baby hurting and I can’t make it better. In the day, she is so sleep deprived she cries and is fussy all day then she doesn’t nap well.

I have a final interview (panel) with Nike tomorrow. I’ve been trying to prep all week in between the cracks and crevices that I get.

Every single moment of the day is taken up with something urgent: house hunting, house seeing, calls in prep for the interview, or simply studying for interview. If I’m lucky I try to eat and shower in there. Of course I need to also get the girls bags packed and food ready for when they wake up and we wisk off to some far away location to look for our next home. Inevitably, as we are driving there I am hopeful; imagine this being my new drive home. Once there, holding one baby on each hip, I look around at each turn and think, “Okay, that’s not so bad, I could make that work,” until finally the list of dingyness, smellyness, smallness is so long that I simply can no longer live in denial that this particular house is not it and the search shall continue.

Disappointed again by pee-stained carpets, toilets so dirty you’d just need to replace them all together, I trek the girls back home, racing to get their lunch ready while they cry from hunger or fatigue. I sing their favorite songs to keep them chipper in the car. Once home, there’s often poop to change before getting food ready. Finally, girls cleaned, food prepped, up in their chairs, they eat. After, I clean them up, clean their chairs and eventually they (maybe) go down again upon which time I rush to feed myself and start the process all over again of searching online, setting appointments to view and studying for the interview—all that IF I’m lucky.

I’ve gotten about 3-4 hours sleep each day this week – of all weeks –and am raw. My brain doesn’t work, my nerves are beyond where they’ve ever been, my adrenals are up and I literally feel like I’m going to crack. Just in time for the most important interview of my life. My family needs me to get this job.

Yesterday I had a hard cry and again this morning. That helps. Still, though, the girls are more challenging for me than I’ve ever experienced due to the teething and lack of sleep. I’m sure they are vibing off my stress even though I practice breathing and staying in my body and love and compassion when I’m with them. Still, my patience is paper-thin.

I hate to admit it but this wouldn’t be an honest journal if I didn’t say:
There are times I just want to scream at them “STOP WIGGLING AND KICKING ME!”, “SHUT UP!”, “GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!”, “LET ME CHANGE YOUR FUCKING DIAPER!!!!!”, or “STOP PINCHING ME!” Sometimes—even though I know it’s normal (I HATE to admit this) I have the urge to hurt them.  In a spontaneous moment when the crying kicking, poopyness is too much and then I get kicked or pinched hard or something primal like that, I have the urge to kick them back, shake them to stop, push them away off me (hard).

Breathe.

Instead of screaming any of those things or hurting them, I leave the room and take a breather. Or, I bite a pacifier hard, I may be a bit more stern with them than I ever have (ugh), and/or I simply cry. In or out of the room.

Today I went in another room and kicked the butcher block and the laundry basket. I let out a low growl and smacked the wall. I took a few deep breathes, said the Serenity prayer (thanks Dayna), then I went back in the girls’ room with some steam released. Then, I took care of a giggly, teary, teething baby.

They’ve seen me cry a couple of times this week which I think is good. I want them to know how people process emotions… they can see me upset, cry and then feel better. This is normal and natural but still… it’s stressful.

We are/ I am feeling so much right now.

Any one of these things alone would be tough for me:
My baby hurting and I can’t fix it.
Uprooting from our home of the last 7 years.
Interview.
Not having a place to live in and all prospects gross with just days left and my babies to care for.
Staying with babies day in and day out with out a break. At all. And then up all night. (Gina is working non stop to get enough money for the move).
Little to no sleep.
Rehoming the cats. Yes, perhaps necessary to find a place. Great sadness but I can hardly even be with it given everything else that’s going on.

I feel like I’m having a mini-breakdown.

Think I’m going to a hotel tonight. To sleep. To get a break. To study. To meditate.

I’ll maybe see Dr Novick tomorrow. Get ready for the interview and head out.

Saturday morning I’ll wake up and we’ll have a moving sale and it will all start to get very real as we let go of our possessions that are just creating mass and clutter in our lives.

Somewhere in there we’ll hopefully keep looking for places to live.

For now, one moment at a time. I do what I can. I breathe. I get on my knees and I pray.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* I wrote this entry on October 21st. 

Just a mere 3 days later our whole world turned around for the better. I’m still on my knees but only out of the good advice of my dear Buddhist friend Jen who reminded me to “stay there!” as things began to open up for us. 🙂

So, I got a good night’s sleep at the hotel. A blissful 10 hours. I felt amazing after. Hard to believe how good actually.

As I was leaving the hotel I got a call from an old client who happens to work at Nike. She was calling to tell me she wants to hire me for a position she has open. The irony, eh? I told her I was headed in for an interview that day. She suggested I go “kick ass” at that interview but then come work for her. : ) She wants me to go through the process; to apply formally and to come in on Monday or Tuesday and meet her whole team because she wants to hire asap, before November 2nd. What the  ?

I went to my interview later that day and killed it. It was the best and most fun interview experience I’ve had, perhaps ever. Solid, connected, just a little nervous but mostly calm and prepared. They told me I left THEM excited about their jobs. Pretty cool.

Then I went to see three new houses for rent on my way home from the interview. Backing up a bit… the day before, after my melt-down, I prayed on the living room floor. I declared myself complete with this house. I “let go” and spiritually “handed it off” to the new owners. Then, I convinced Gina we needed up our rent budget by $50-100 and just see what would open up for us. So we did. Three homes opened in the area we originally dreamt about but thought we were priced out of.

Gina had taken the girls to look at the places earlier that day while I was interviewing. She fell in love with one but said it was too small. The guy called me on my way back from Nike and offered for me to come see. So, what the hell, I did. It was dark, cold, rainy and late by then. When I arrived, the house was warm and dry and welcoming. I fell in love.

And not just with the house but the whole experience. The neighborhood, community, the tenants who live there now and how they told us the history of the house, the importance of the new people who move in and their being a good fit with the existing people on the block. They are our people. People we could be friends with. And the home is our home. It’s really similar to the first home we purchased. It’s little but it’s “us.” Complete with character, gorgeous details and little 1950’s quirks everywhere. The landlord is a dream, too, also “our” people. She practically asked us to move in. She really loves us (which, I don’t share to sound arrogant but rather to spell out how good it felt to be wanted and loved after at least 50 impersonal experiences with property management companies).

So, it’s Sunday afternoon. The girls are sleeping. We made money at the moving sale yesterday. The worst of this round of teething is over. Calliope took her first two steps (our of sheer momentum). I had a wonderful interview on Friday and have another interview and work possibility tomorrow (Monday). Best of all, today we secured our new home (that we are actually excited about despite the fact that it’s only 1000sf)! Amazing what a difference a few days can make.

I am on cloud nine (and yes, still on my knees). Grateful, happy, at peace. I’m ready to leave this house. It’s all in boxes and dissarry. The shift has begun and even though we’ll clean up today from the sale, the house will never go back to how it was when we really lived here. The wheels are in motion and I’m ready.

Let’s do this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Today, October 24th

We signed the lease and paid a hefty deposit to offset the owners concern given the short-sale. In total, we wrote a check for $4700. Gulp. In some places, that’s a small down-payment to buy a house! Ah well, I’m certain we are doing the right thing here. It feels good and right, even if a bit sad. And, we’ve definitely learned a hard, hard lesson.

Just a few notes on the girls who are growing so fast.

BOTH
They LOVE their music class; they are cuing music now, beating with their hands and instruments to their own internal rhythm as well as the beat of music (in time, sometimes!), and they sing and wiggle around too.

They are like little parrots. They love to copy things we say and are now trying to make words. I think Genevieve’s first official word is “meow”. Go figure. 🙂 They make mumblings of Mama, Mommy, cat, doggie, bird, hi, bye and they are signing more, too. Recently, when Gina left for work they signed “bye-bye Mommy”. It was a moment I hope to always remember.

Also fun to note is that they shake their heads up and down and back and forth for “Yes” and “No”. We must do this and didn’t know it. It’s hilarious to watch them in their super exaggerated way with big smirks on their faces.

Favorite past times include unfolding and tossing around laundry as well as dipping into the diaper basket and throwing the diapers everywhere! They also like to stand on the couch and look out the window at the birds on the wire, flying and pecking for food. They love letting the chickens out in the morning and of course petting that cats (which they’ve learned to do gently). They get so much joy from these things.

They play together more and more now. G plays keep-a-way from C and C seems to love it. Sweetest though is the kissing between them. GAWD! Every now and then I’ll look over and see one open mouth upon another and all kinds of sweetness between them. They give us open mouth kisses, too. 🙂

We still don’t let them watch TV but they have seen just a few things: the opening ceremony of the Olympics with a few sporting events, The Democratic National Convention and the 2012 Presidential Debates. The only reason they got to see these events was (selfishly) because they were on just before their bedtime and we didn’t want to miss them. Plus, we figured you can never start them too young on the things that matter in the world. 🙂

They eat everything we do now! LOVE this. I cook less for just them and now simply for the whole family. It’s so great. We all eat at the table together now too. For breakfast and dinner mostly. Lunch just they eat and we eat once they are down for their nap.

They are transitioning from two naps to one.  This is really tricky, especially with teething and the move. Hoping in about a month we’ll all be settled into a new rhythm.

Calliope
Calliope still uses that beautiful, melodic voice of hers in all kinds of ways. Though her favorite past time these days is scaling the baby gate. She is agile, coordinated and STRONG!

She is giggly and squirmy as ever and squeals with delight when she gets to walk holding on to one or both of our hands. She loves being close to us. She demands to be held often and grabs on tight while we swing and dance and bounce her around. If I could bottle her laughter I’d be a rich woman.

Genevieve
Genevieve is curious about everything and still shocks and charms people with her deep stares into their soul. Most recently, she worked her magic on the new landlord who just had her jaw dropped for the 5 minutes G loved her with her eyes.

She is a cuddler and gives super strong hugs. When she laughs or smiles, it makes us feel like God is raining her light directly on us.

In Sum
Halloween is just around the corner and we’ll be moving two days later. Last night they got dressed up in their costumes. Gina did it without me knowing; I turned the corner and suddenly there were two little ladybugs looking more adorable than I could have imagined. (I have TWO DAUGHTERS!!!)

I probably won’t write again for a while given we’ll be moving and all the rest.

By the next post, our lives will look very different. We’ll be in a new home, I may be a working mama and Gina a stay-at-home Mommy. The girls will have turned ONE! We aren’t sure what we are doing for their first birthday but we know we don’t want a big party or sugary treats. Maybe just us four doing something special and a sweet little ceremony for them. Maybe a few dear friends. Who knows. We’ll figure it out as we go. My mom and my sister arrive the first week in December and that will be a lovely treat for sure.

Amazing all the change that can happen in just one year. Despite all the stress of of late, the girls are the bright spot in my day. They are the light of my life and I STILL can hardly believe how blessed I am with getting to be their Mama. They are funny, fun, warm, loving, curious… just so amazing. I feel incredibly blessed too that I get to be Gina’s wife. My family is complete. Thank you, God.

Love, love.
regina

P.S. I am certain there are loads of typos and grammar mistakes here… not going to do the usual comb-through in the interest of time, so please forgive and try to make sense of that which doesn’t seem to make sense.

Posted in Believing, Community, Firsts, Friends, Love and Gratitude, Praying, Sleep, What the ? | Leave a comment

Autumn Tenderness

Posted on September 20, 2012 by Regina

 

I’m not sure what’s going on.

Could be that I am feeling the heat turned up on our move.

Could be that the girls have been “out” of me as long as they’ve been “in” me now.

Could be the season of Summer drastically changing to Fall the last few days.

Could be it’s Autumn equinox today.

Could be this time of year reminds me of this time last year when I finished work, went on bedrest and got ready for the babies to come.

Could be that, even before my babies were born, this was the time of year that always made my heart ache with a deep longing to be a Mama.

Could be that because my babies were born in the Fall that the beginning of the season makes me think of that especially sacred, tender time.

Could be because I have an interview with Nike tomorrow.

Could be the cloudy weather today really is marking the changing of the season, making me feel all inward and yin-like.

Could be the stellar acupuncture session I had two days ago wherin my ND/Ac explained to me why my cortisol and adrenal system is so messed up (being a stay at home mama for infant twins), really got my world of bodily suffering, and needled me in ways that helped to bring balance to my being (raised my Yin, the inward, tender parts).

It could be that I’ve had a migraine like headache for 2 days now.

Could be that I slept horribly last night.

Could be that Gina and are having tension again and I feel sad and resigned about it.

Could be that my babies are growing up so fast and everyday is like a little heartbreak;  as I am forced to let go of tiny pieces of their infancy.

Could be that we still have no idea where we are going to move.

Could be that I’ve had some very sweet exchanges with my mostly-estranged sister in the last 2 days.

Could be that when I consider the possibility of going back to work and not being with my girls day in and day out I want to collapse from even imagining the grief it will bring.

 

Apparently there’s a lot going on. I suppose it’s likely no one thing precisely but the combination of everything that is driving me to move inward, feel more, do less, cry tears of joy and tears of pain. At least I’m crying.

However you slice it, I feel different. Like, some part of me that I used to be intimately close with is coming back. Some part of me that’s been set aside due to caring for babies in a sort of survival mode for months is unearthing herself again. She’s the part of me that is closest to God/Spirit/Nature. She’s coming back. She’s knocking on my heart, only now my heart is different; more open, more tender… exposed every single day due to loving these girls so fiercely.

“They” told me so much about what it would be like being a mama but I’m not sure anyone told me how much it hurts.  My heart is now out in the open and I feel like I need to find my “new normal” inside of that; figure out how to be in the world loving these girls as I do and all the vulnerability that comes with that. I simply don’t know how. Maybe no Mamas do… maybe we just learn as we go? Figure out how to protect our newly exposed hearts? Or, maybe it gets easier as they get older?

The Girls
The girls are amazing. Yesterday we played on the floor for 2 hours. Singing, dancing, reading… and I was never once bored or watching the clock for time to pass quickly. In fact, at times I just sat and watched them exploring their world around them as tears of joy, gratitude and love just streamed down my face. No, I am not PMSing… no where near in fact. Just in awe of my two incredible daughters who make me smile and laugh and feel goodness in my heart every time I look at them.  Heck, even when I’m not looking at them.

They are so funny. They are becoming more of themselves now; intentionally making the family laugh with games of Peek-a-boo and hiding, laughing loudly and often, asserting more wants and desires in new domains and beginning to use language (and certainly understand ours). “Not for baby” we say to something dangerous. They will stop what they are doing, look up at us with big doe eyes, then smirk a little and tentatively head back in the direction of danger. How does one not find outrageous delight in just this little act of rebellion?

 

More later… this is just here and now.

Send love to my heart and I will send love to yours.
regina marie
xo

 

Posted in Believing, Community, Firsts, Learning, Love and Gratitude, Sleep, What the ? | Leave a comment

Nine is Fine

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Regina

* This post is long. I don’t expect anyone to read it. I write mostly for me and my family. That said, there are headers if you are interested in any particulars, like, perhaps the girls. 😉

*Also, since (let’s face it) the photos are the best part, I’ve posted the them in a different format which is easier and faster for me to upload. If you want to see any of them up close, just click on the image and voila!

 

     Nine and a half months old. Just one week away from double digits. Exhale.

Seems so much has happened and yet all just normal, too. I find myself wanting to capture the major milestones, the events in our life, their daily routine…all of it, so that someday Calliope and Genevieve can look back and see what life was like when they were little. That’s what I would have wanted anyway; but then, I’m a sentimental woman with a sweet spot for “what is was like” stories everywhere.

Anyway, therein lies the theme for this month. The lesson? Practicing mindfulness (and courage) such that I raise my girls based on who THEY are and not based on who I AM or what I wanted as a child, thought I needed, didn’t get, blah, blah, blah.

Baby-Needs
I finally made it in to my therapist to do some of that grieving I’d been talking about. Two sessions later the biggest, most obvious insight left me floored: I’m parenting these girls not only from my heart but from my survival brain, too. I’m parenting in ways that I subconsciously believe will somehow make up for, or heal even, myself as a 9 month old (insert whatever age they are). If I can just give them the gold standard of everything (homemade food, excellent sleep, secure attachment to Gina and me, the ability to be fully self-expressed, vaginal birth, nursing ‘til toddlerhood, baby-wearing as much as possible, to have as many needs met as possible, etc.), I will then keep them safe, never damaged, harmed or hurt. And, this will somehow take care of my own baby-needs, too; it will make up for that which I didn’t get and wish I’d had. *Mom, don’t worry. You did awesome. No kid gets to grow up unscathed… my stuff is just my stuff and it’s mine to work out now. I digress.

So. Now I know the likely primary source of my neck pain… not just the heavy boobs and heavy babies, but also a “holding” so tight every hour of every day that (in my mind) if I give them the gold standard in all the areas that I deem important, I will keep them safe and sound. I will give them a flawless foundation from which they’ll thrive for the rest of their lives.

Yeah. No pressure. It’s a wonder I breathe at all.

The work now: it’s not just to grieve the things that I keep perseverating on that I think could have damaged them: not coming out vaginally, not enough breast milk, not enough nursing, too much crying, not enough of me to go around, the sound of a violent television show in the background, the anxiety and worry the lactation consultant and original pediatrician had and we adopted, etc. None of that really matters, it turns out. Not the way I was worried it mattered anyway. They will not, I finally realize, be permanently damaged from any of that. The work now is healing my own hurts, my own anxieties and my own reasons for wanting to keep them so insanely safe with such impossibly high standards. My guess is that I’ll have the “opportunity” (ha!) to do my own work of healing each stage of my childhood at every stage of their development- despite the fact that I’ve done decades of therapy already. Infant? I’ll be healing myself from that time in my life. Toddler? Teenage? I’ll get to face my own youth, for better or worse, every step of the way. As Naomi Aldort says, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. 

My task each day, as I see it, is to separate my own reaction/agenda to what I truly believe is best for them from a more neutral, healed, grounded place. I’m sure most days I’ll fail; and that’s okay. And many days it’ll be all I can do to simply notice my own triggers. But at least the girls (and I) will have that: mindfulness, awareness, truth. And in the end, those are things I want them to have above all else. It’s priceless really. They’ll get the gift of seeing (and living) life as it is (and learning how to move through the trauma, upsets, etc.)… and not the gold standards that I’m trying to live now and certainly not the anxiety that comes along with those standards. Breathe, Regina. Breathe.

And so it goes.

Moving
We got a letter from the Realtor and the Short Sale service providor stating everything is finally in place now and we should be hearing a decision from the bank “soon.” We think that means in a week or two. So, we are beginning to search more diligently for a place to live.

Neither of us are looking forward to the move itself. The selling, unpacking and unloading, not to mention the costs.  We talk late at night in bed about how we feel about leaving our “home.” Interesting, neither of us are sad to leave here. Despite the fact that Idgie passed here and we brought the girls home here, neither of our hearts have ever really been in this house. Purchasing it was a mistake from the start we agree; but a mistake that taught us invaluable lessons that we are grateful for.

We’ll be happy to be on the other side of this move. Of course, the fierce Mama in me (along with the scared little girl)  is deeply concerned that my girls will freak out in the move but I’ve got it on a few very trusted resources that so long as the girls keep getting us, they’ll be just fine. My frontal lobe and heart believe those trusted friends; my lizard brain is convinced I’m damaging my daughters for life. So again, I breathe.

Camille
Camille is gone. Yup. Gone. One week she was here, the next I couldn’t reach her via text (our usual method). Turns out she moved to NYC to take on a year volunteering with City Year working with at risk youth in Queens. God Bless her. I’ve since spoken with her mother on the phone a couple of times and she assures me that Camille simply didn’t know how to handle telling us and saying goodbye. Says she loves our girls so much she couldn’t handle it. We hope she reaches out and writes us soon. We have nothing but open hearts and open arms for her. In the meantime, I’m starting the process of finding a new sitter to help with the random needs and our move.

The Girlies
What are the girls up to these days? My goodness… everything! Mostly, it’s all about being mobile and upright and exploring the world around them.

Genevieve
Genevieve is crawling on her hands and knees now. She loves to pull herself up and stand. and it’s clear she really wants to walk given she likes to do it holding our hands as much as possible. Her favorite thing is, from a standing position, to try and move from one high chair to the other: it requires letting go with one hand and leaping a bit with the other. She hasn’t quite perfected it yet but the fact that she keeps trying despite the frustration, tears, and falls is a reminder that we all move toward the light. We are designed to grow, to move onward and upward. And G, with nothing in her past, nor in her future is just in each simple moment trying to do what her beautiful little body is designed to do.

G has learned to clap. Sometimes serious about it and sometimes giddy she shows a kind of self-confidence when she does it. She’s very much planted IN her body. As serious as she started off, she’s blossoming and opening up day by day; giggling more and more and having fun being silly. She’s lately taken to sitting on her bum and spinning herself in circles on the hardwood floor, laughing as she does it over and over with some kind of toy or teething ring in her hands, or of course, clapping. She’s also become super snuggly and loving. She gives super strong power hugs and big open mouth wet kisses, which just melts one’s heart.

Calliope
Calliope is active! She is a girl who is on the move. And vocal– always talking that one (I have NO idea where she gets all this from). She crawls so fast now I can hardly catch her. She loves standing and cruising around on anything that’ll move with her. I call her my little bug (short for lovebug but also because when you pick her up by her trunk her little arms and legs just kick, kick, kick like a little beetle bug). She rarely stops or slows down. In fact, she’s almost lost weight. She only gained 10oz the last 3 months but she’s grown in height. Given that, her clothes all fall off her tiny little waist now. Frankly, we were (as first time mamas) a little worried about her. Is something wrong like “hyperactivity” or “adhd”? But alas, she’s fine. This is just who she is. We suspect that part of her lesson in life will be to learn how to channel and/or contain all that fabulous energy. She is curious, voracious and wants to experience all she can. She wants life full. While it obviously has it’s challenges, it’s really, really beautiful.

As much as C looks like Gina, turns out she also resembles to donor quite a bit. We busted out his baby photo again as we hadn’t seen it in a while. Wow. We were both speechless for a moment. She looks just like him. I called the Cryobank and asked if I emailed them a pic of my daughters if they’d tell me in what ways they resemble the donor (they have an adult pic that we cannot see). It was an awesome conversation but the upshot is that Genevieve looks nothing like him. The cryobank geneticists could hardly find any trace of him in G. However, she was sort of shocked when she saw the pic of Calliope. There was a gasp in her voice followed by an “Oh. Oh, wow. Um, yeah… the one in purple (Calliope) looks a lot like him. It’s in her eyes, her forehead, her eyebrows, her cheeks, her hair. Just, just…(pause) just in every way. It’s hard to explain but she has his ‘look’.” So, there you have it folks.
*Note, it should also be noted that when the cryo-lady pulled up the donor’s photo (before my email of the girls landed in her inbox) the first thing she said was, “Wow. You got a nice looking donor. He’s really good looking!”  I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me just a tad bit happy. 🙂

Both
Both girls are not just babbling now but rather jabbering in ways that sound like words and sentences. They clearly are communicating in language and certainly with each other. We have plenty of “Youtube worthy” videos, especially each standing in their cribs before bedtime just talking with each other back and forth cracking each other up.

They understand most of what we are saying to them now. It’s very cool. And they understand our ASL signs. They sign “more” regularly now and the other day C signed “Mama” or “Mommy” (same sign). I suspect language will really take off here in the next couple of months.

They love to look at babies faces— in real life or in books. They just gaze for minutes at a time, which is a long time in babyland. They love exploring;  C everything at once and G one little thing at a time. They love the heart necklace Gina gave to me years ago that I never take off. When I’m rocking them they cozy up with their heads against my chest and play with it. It’s seemingly comforting for them. Last but not least, Gina taught the girls to “high five”. They particularly have fun “high fiving” when they are in the swings at the park. The laughter can be heard from blocks away, I’m sure.

They are are getting more and more hair which is adorable and curly. They each have 6 teeth now. And their little bodies are each growing in their own ways. G is getting some chunk and C is getting taller and skinnier.

Together
Togetherness: this is the BEST part of having twins. They love each other so much. They love having the other as a companion and playmate. They are interacting more and more. Not just parallel playing but sometimes actually playing together. For example, we got this little pop up tunnel that is part mesh, part solid fabric. Genevieve likes to get on the outside when Calliope is on the inside and duck under the mesh, pop her head up and play “peek-a-boo” with Calliope. This gives C such a tickle that she laughs over and over and over… the kind of deep belly laugh that you just want to bottle.

They are working out their own relationship as well—who takes what from whom and all that good power stuff. I’ve said this before but it really does feel like an honor to witness their special relationship unfolding before our eyes. One can clearly see during meals, playtime, bathtime, and naptime that they are everything to each other. If one is “off” in anyway, the other balances the system for her. For example, if one is hyper, the other will go still. If one is irritable and teething, the other feels for her and is agitated but quiet. They sort of hold space with and for the other; together, they create a whole. That said, most of the time, if you were just watching from the outside, they go about doing their own thing and that’s really cool too.

The Potty
Pottying is pretty fun. For a few weeks there I didn’t change one poopy diaper on Calliope- she did all her business in the toilet (SO much nicer for me). And G is finally starting to warm up to the idea of sitting on the toilet to pee. We casually make sure she gets to see C having success with it and I think that’s made a difference. We never say anything to her about it, we just one day started to offer it again and we’ve now got a little movement.

Food
Food is even more fun than it was to begin with! Other than the main allergens (strawberries, honey, nuts and egg whites) there’s really nothing they don’t eat anymore. Well, we don’t give them red meat or wheat or dairy (unless it’s dairy from a goat… then all bets are off). In a couple of months (around 1yr old) they’ll get introduced to some of that other stuff. Sundays are dedicated to me shopping and prepping their food for the week. Good Lord they love to eat! I swear, you wouldn’t believe how much those tiny bodies consume. No wonder they poop so much! They love beets, spinach, lamb, lentils, mango, avocado, turkey bacon, yogurt, edamame, pickles…the list goes on. And they LOVE to feed themselves (particularly Genevieve) so I’m working on making all their food as “finger food” friendly as possible.

Sleep
Ah, what would a blog post be with out mentioning the sacred sleep?

So, I’m thinking that maybe I never again say that sleep is “going well.” Each time I do, it goes all sideways. The truth is, sleep is just never the same again once you have little’ns.

Right after the last post, the girls got sick.
Sick means hard to breathe at night.
Hard to breathe means one baby waking on and off all night.
Then the other.
But never at the same time of course,
Keeping the Mamas up most the night and in hot steamy bathrooms.

Once that sickness ordeal was cleared, one baby cut her first top tooth.
Then the other baby cut the same tooth,
making sleeping scarce for everyone for well over a week, maybe two.
Then the fourth front tooth came for Genevieve.
We thought we were in the homestretch of a rough patch.
Ahh, but no such luck.
They got sick again. (repeat scenario above)

Ten days later the snot was gone and I prayed (with slight delirium in my eyes) for just one night were we were ONLY up for the 30-40 minute feeding, not up for 2-3 hours as we had been for weeks on end.
That night, like clockwork, the fourth front tooth cut for Callie.
And no joke, the DAY that tooth came through and she finally could sleep all night,
G started waking up for hours at a time at night; restless and couldn’t settle.
She wouldn’t let me look inside, but a few days later (after about 4 days of this mystery night waking) I finally saw, bless her little heart, both her eye-teeth poking through.

While I may seem dense in this whole thing, it finally occurred to me,  Callie’s are on the way.

My hormones are still wacky and my sleep so jacked up that despite how tired I am, once  I’m up at night I can’t fall back asleep. For a while, I feared I was becoming dependent on Melatonin. When I hear Gina snoring I’m so jealous of her deep sleep I just want to whack her hard and wake her up. Despite the fact that our girls will (under normal circumstances) sleep 11.5-12.5 hours a night (with one nighttime feeding after about 10 hours of sleep), during this entire 8-10 week ordeal I’ve never slept more than 2-4 hours in a row and usually not more than 4-5 hours a night total. It’s like we went backward to the good old days of newborn-dom.

Alas, it’s clear to me now, the teeth are just gonna keep on coming; one baby after the other and this is just how it’s gonna be for a stretches at a time, perhaps until they are two and they have their full set of teeth. 

Gina and I have learned how to give each other breaks (mainly Gina helping me given my insomnia). And so, when we get a few nights here and there (between teething and between illness) we count our lucky stars. 

Embryos
After months feeling into what to do with  the two remaining embryos, I’m finally ready to make a move.

Thanks to a reading with the fabulous Danielle, I did two things:
1. I surrendered to the fact that I will not be pregnant again. No more babies for me. I’m still doing the work, though, of letting go of the fantasy of how I’d want it to be.
2.  I’ve come to see the embryos as “seeds” that simply won’t be placed in fertile ground to grow. Moreover, I know that as a natural part of life not all seeds get sown. Many, (just look in my garage or on the sidewalk) just fall away. And so, that’s what will happen to these two, too.

I’ve called ORM and am waiting on paperwork to finalize the process. I’m ready. A bit sad and bittersweet, but ready. Gina has been ready all along.

My Body
I’m a mess still (in a recent reading with Danielle she told me that my body really took a beating in the pregnancy and thereafter. Ya think? She also saw that my body wouldn’t be totally healed for about another year). Both my knees are out. I can no longer squat, much less stand back up. My neck and shoulder still ache every day. I have a headache that has come and gone for months and my feet are still all swollen at night (along with the painful ingrown toenails, which are growing out and getting better). I think letting some of the emotional stuff go (not worrying so much about the babes) along with a couple acupuncture sessions and some homeopathy will do the trick, but, as you can imagine, it’s really difficult to get out to appointments given we no longer have Camille, so it’s slow going.

Despite all that, I’ve lost a bit of weight. About 14lbs anyway. That feels good. I was eating so clean for a while but I’ve taken a break lately and indulged in wine and cookies more often than just the weekends. I still eat salads and proteins during the day and I run around after the girls so much I’m not too worried about the rest just slowly fading off. I’m down to 141.5. And each week without really “trying” a pound or two more gets shed. I became preggers at 134.5 so I’m just 7lbs away but 125-130 is where I sit more comfortably so losing another 10-13lbs would be ideal. I’m shooting for their one year birthday to get there- incredibly, that’s just about 9 weeks away!

Gina and Me
We had a date night just last night. A friend came over and hung out on the couch while the girls slept. We popped out for dinner at a new BBQ joint we’d been wanting to go to for months now. It was a FABULOUS evening. Odd at first being out together at night without them but obviously so good for us and our relationship. And good just to have a little adult fun (not to mention a hot meal).

Their Routine
6:30ish: Wake. Bottle. Play while I make breakfast for them and coffee for me (I recently made the switch from tea to coffee and I’m so happy about it I could cry).

7:30am: Breakfast then more play.

8:30am: Morning nap for 90 minutes usually.

10am: Wake and have little snack of a bottle (4-5oz of the goats milk formula we make at home).

Play. Walk. Swing at the park. Go somewhere.

12:30 lunch and a little play on the ground for aiding digestion before next nap.

1:30: Naptime. Usually 90 minutes.

3pm: Wake. Have snack. Usually fruit or avocado or edamame or something.

Go for walk. Play. Read. Music. Swing at park.

4:30p: Dinner. Play. Hang out.

5:30p: Bedtime routine begins. Bath (when 2 mommies are home). Jammies. Bottles. Books. Rocking. Sleep-sleep. (They typically still fall asleep easily and effortlessly, it’s so very sweet).

6:30p: Sound asleep.

*From 6:30-9:30p I clean, make dinner, answer emails, read, prep their food for next day, feed cats, handle household logistics, put in chickens, do some laundry, get myself ready for bed and try to fall asleep without melatonin. Some weeks I’m solo a lot, some weeks Gina is home and it’s awesome b/c we are both so exhausted by this time of day all we really want to do is say “fuck it” to everything and fall into bed (which we’ve been known to do).

1-3am: Nighttime feeding. (and, as you read above, sometimes night-time wakings and rocking)

6:30am: Wake! Gina and I take turns each morning who gets up and does morning routine and who gets to sleep in. Do it all again!

It can’t go without saying that despite how hard some days are, how grueling this is for a 40 year old body, there is not one day, ONE DAY, that goes by (heck, not even an hour, seriously) that I am not deeply grateful or in awe of my two beauties. How did I, of all people, get so lucky? They really are my little miracles. I don’t think, can’t imagine, ever stopping being present to that.

Peace out.
regina

P.S. I didn’t write about my Mom’s visit with my nephew but they came and stayed for a few days in late July and it was really lovely. Can’t wait for her to come back. Seeing my Mom and the girls together is magical. Also, you’ll see in the pics, the girls got to hang with lots of new friends (big and little, new and old) this summer… we’re all very lucky. 

 

Posted in Community, Friends, Funnies, Hormones, Learning, Love and Gratitude, Sleep, What the ? | 1 Comment

The Great Eight

Posted on July 20, 2012 by Regina

A while back I wrote about all the things that people told me about having kids… Lessons Learned. One of the things I didn’t say there was that I’ve heard over and over that 7-10months is a favorite time of development. I used to ask why. Now, it’s clear. They are alert, engaged and changing right before my eyes. It really does keep getting better and better. So far, 8 months old is… I can’t find the right word. Amazing. Incredible. Phenomenal. Sweet. None  are quite enough or sound over zealous. Suffice to say, so far, this stage is prime.

The girls are so fun, so engaged, so in love with each other; and we are so in love with them.

Music
We started a music class, gifted to us by my Mom, called Music Together. Last week was the first week the girls went and I cried happy tears the whole time. I’ve known about Music Together for more than 8 years and have dreamt of taking my girls ever since.

We’ve been to two classes and so far they are expressing themselves musically way more — singing and drumming– it’s amazing! Sometimes all we do for hours or more is make music together.

Their favorite instrument in class is the egg shaker, so, while we rarely buy them toys or “stuff” we got them 2 wooden egg shakers each. They hardly put them down.

We obviously (highly) value music in this household, so this part of their lives truly is a joy for us to watch and experience.

Developments for the Girlies
Highlights for the girls include greater motor skills, like Calliope pulling and standing up on her own for the first time at 8mo 3 days old (which happened to be our 12 anniversary). And finer motor skills, like Genevieve picking up her little organic “O” puffs with her hands and getting them into her mouth. As much as I want to keep them my little babies I can’t ignore the fact that they look so proud, so excited of their new feats. They want to keep practicing their newly acquired skills over and over. It’s inspiring to watch.

They love to explore the whole house now. We have up baby gates and pillows, locks and snaps. The house gets baby proofed more every day. Despite that tiny fact, Miss Calliope has managed to have 4 major falls (like, bruising and blood involved kind of falls) in just 2 weeks. (Though I keep a CLOSE eye on her) I think she’s just that kind of curious, adventurous girl.  When they are both up and going, they keep me on my toes. I am never not moving or chasing after one of them and at any given time in the day, I’m likely sweating.

They love to play with their toys, boxes and anything that makes sound. Especially since their music class–they drum, bang and sing out more frequently and with great vigor (especially G- she loves to sing out loud). Of course we are singing and dancing more with them now too. In fact, Calliope has started to do this new little wiggle that seems to be her form of dancing. It reminds me of what my niece Lindsay used to do when she was the same age. Adorable.

As for physical stuff, the most notable thing to me is that their faces are filling out a bit— people are starting to say that they look more and more alike. I kinda of agree. Although, that said, their eyes are each of their most prominent features and yet they are becoming more and more distinct from each other. Calliope has these beautiful tear-shaped eyes that droop downward at the ends (she must get them from the donor as they are nowhere in my family but strangely look a bit like Gina’s eyes). Genevieve has these gorgeous almond- shaped black pools for her eyes (that do run in my family). Lastly, their hair is starting to grow fast and furious and boy is it curly! C’s might be just wavy, but G? That girl has got some kink! I love it. Hopefully she will too as she grows older.

Sleep
The girls love their sleep. Unless they are going through a major milestones (learning to crawl, walk, talk or teethe) they get all cozied up in their sleep sacks, we say our prayers and sweet nothings to them, we kiss them until they can’t stand it anymore and then they lay their heads down and start snoozing, sometimes before I am/we are out of the room. It makes my heart sing to know that they feel so safe and yummy and cozy in their room and in their beds.

They go down between 6pm and 7pm and they sleep until 6:15/7am. They wake once still but it’s much later now, at 3:30 or 4pm. We are still not inclined to wean them from that night feeding because so far they just keep pushing their own wake time back further and further. Not to mention we haven’t had to wean them from any of the other feedings– they’ve just done it on their own. Besides we prefer to follow their lead, particularly the first year to 18 months as we believe their needs and wants are pretty much all the same during this time. We are getting plenty of sleep so long as it’s not a hard teething night or sick night. If we are asleep by 10pm, which we almost always are, we get a solid 5 or 5.5 hours, plus another 2-3 after their feeding. I almost always get 6-7 hours of sleep. Gina often gets 8 or 9  (I still get insomnia at certain times of the month). Anyway, overall, not bad! Since the girls get up early, Gina and I take turns each morning for who gets up on the early shift so the other one can sleep in just a little.

*Note: I wrote the above paragraph about a week ago. Since then, the girls had their first “sleep through the whole night” night! They went down at 7pm and woke up at 5:45am! Just like everyone says, I woke up startled and scared something was wrong but in a fraction of a second I knew the milestone (miracle) that had just happened. I whacked Gina on the arm, “Honey! They did it! It’s 5:45, they slept through the night!”

Then, the following 8 days were hell. They were teething, gassy (new food asparagus), constipated (not enough water on these suddenly hot days) and in general were up and down all night long. Sleep for the grown ups went down to 5-6hrs. Ugh. But, like always, it all just comes in waves and we are back on track now. 

Family
My mom and my nephew are coming out next week and despite the videos, picture and Skype I really can’t wait for them all to be together in person. It’ll be a short visit– just 3.5 days but I have a feeling it’ll be great.

Gina and I
Still in our sweet spot. We’ve all found a rhythm to our days and our life together. Still, we marvel that we have two daughters. Still. I wonder if that will ever change. In the meantime, Gina and I celebrated our 12 anniversary (7 years married) on July 10th. We went out for a grown-up dinner, had a cocktail and talked about things other than our girls. It was really, nice.

We are doing a lot more as a family now. Hikes, outings, picnics, visits to friends houses, street fairs, ice-cream trips. Soon we’ll take the girls swimming in a big pool (not just the soaking pool at Kennedy School) and to the Zoo and who knows what else.

We are wearing the girls much more now that they are big enough to fit in an Ergo. We have two matching green Ergos that we all love. If there are two of us, we almost always have them strapped on to us and no stroller. Not only does it feel so much better to wear them (close heart-to-heart yumminess) but it’s easier then lugging the stroller around. I LOVE the stroller, don’t get me wrong. I take them for walks and the occasional run when I’m solo. It just feels good (for them and us) to have them so much closer to us more often now.

Me
I’m eating clean still (during the week) and have managed to lose about 10lbs. My body feels better (including my back). I have about 10-15 more to go to pre-baby weight. I’d like to start exercising more (for better sleep and health) but not sure when to fit it in… in time, it’ll come.

Perhaps because we’ve hit a steady rhythm now and have been out of crisis mode for a while, I find myself processing the birth and the days after the birth quite a bit. Some of it makes me so happy I cry. Some of it makes me so sad I cry. Some of it feels so tender I find myself setting it aside, waiting to take it to therapy (if I can ever get myself there). Some things fall in the middle; like things I just wish I’d done differently but didn’t know what I didn’t know (ie. stay home just a bit longer, savor the labor just a bit more, be more grounded and present with Gina and babies on the way to the hospital, etc.). And then there’s the nursing thing… I’m still working through all that. G is about to wean herself. She refuses more than she accepts now and sometimes days go by without nursing. My milk is now salty, a sign of weaning. I know I’ve done a great job with these two but there’s still grief (for me) that they didn’t get to nurse more.

Lastly, I feel like my brain is coming back. I’m thinking critically again (about work, politics, our financial future, etc.). I’m thinking externally and outward, curious about people and things outside my home and family. That feels…. interesting. It’s not like it was before, because of course there is a new normal now. It’s like before with a twist of perspective and fundamental paradigm shift. In many ways, I’m much more relaxed. For sure I am more compassionate, less judgmental. And by far, I’m simply happier (and complain less Gina tells me). 🙂 Thank god. I needed that.  My family needed that.

Gina
Steady, awesome Gina. She is amazing. Works like a horse to support her family and still manages to split duty with me 50/50 when she’s home. Sometimes more. (For me, this has been incredibly healing as so much of my personal triggers have been about carrying more than my share of the weight). She misses the girls like crazy when she’s gone and they miss her too. Mondays are hardest for everyone. The girls miss her greatly after having been with her all weekend and are a bit fussier because of it, especially at bedtime. So, I take lots of pics and send them to her throughout the day. That said, Summer months are slower for work so we sometimes have 2.5 or 3 day weekends together and it’s divine. On those occasions we feel so lucky.

Gina signs (ASL) with the girls a lot. They love it but now they are actually starting (just this week) to understand and even attempt a sign or two. C was trying to sign something yesterday but it was unclear to me what it was (food, Mommy or cat). Gina missed it which broke her heart but the next day she saw Calliope signing “more” during meal time- she does it pretty consistently now. Soon they’ll be signing up a storm and Gina will be beaming, I’ve no doubt.

Below are a smattering of pics from the last month.

Enjoy.
xo,
regina

Cuddling (despite C's face, she really does love it when her sis grabs on to her). This is not a rare sighting. This is what every night during bedtime/storytime looks like.

Callie's first shiner.

Rose Garden... I took a pic here last year this time when I was preggers!

Classic Genevieve... deeply lost in one blade of grass.

Calliope being brave and curious on her first day of Music Together class.

Rose Garden with Mama

Twin Love

Standing on her own!

C and Mama before Music Together

Nursing G at 8.5 months

New favorite teething food is cold cantaloupe!

Two in a Box (and one wishing it were "three")

Girls first hike, G and G love...

C with Mama on first hike

The whole family at Tryon Creek on our first hike together!

Mississippi Street Fair (that's a mile of people in the background)

G is getting the hang of drinking from a cup! She likes to feed herself too!

 

Callie's spinach face. 🙂 This picture cracks me up every time.

 

Multnomah Falls: The moment Genevieve finally sees the waterfall. Amazing.

Hiking Self portrait at Multnomah Falls

The girls were hot and tired.

G and G

R and C

Both girls were in the Ergos but we put their heads close together and this is the result. I LOVE those eyes... all of them.

Despite the darkness in the foreground, the background and view from the top was GORGEOUS! This is very close to where we were married 7 years ago this month.

End of hike... hot and tired and happy.

Top of the Falls near the river. Finally cool!

Top of the Falls...we did it!

C crawled right over and plopped in G's lap.

G was so excited she could hardly stand it! Sister!!!!

Happy! (p.s. G's jammies are size 12-18 mo and fit perfectly if not a tad small)

 

Callie swing time!

G swing time!

 

 

Posted in Believing, Community, Firsts, Friends, Learning, Love 'n Stuff, Sleep | Leave a comment

7 month Bliss

Posted on July 1, 2012 by Regina

I’ve never been one to be rigorous about a schedule or rhythm to a day. In fact, if you looked at my Hogan, you’d see that “Prudence” and anything else related to time in (what I used to think as) a limited sort of way, is simply not in my nature.

Having two babies has changed me. I’m grateful for the white board tracking when they last slept and ate—keeping a steady, natural rhythm in their life. Especially in the first six months.

I’ve learned that most babies thrive on routine and rhythm– what some may even call “schedule.” My babies are no different. They love the routine of their days (for them, they have plenty variety each day). And I love the benefits rhythm brings to them. They are happy, secure and steady. I also love that I know how much they slept– especially if it’s different from the other– or if they are hungry sooner than normal hinting at a pending growth spurt.

Which makes it all the more interesting that last Thursday, for one of the first times since they’ve had a regular bedtime, we stayed out late.

It’s summer. And it was Last Thurdsday on Alberta street. We’re moving soon and, likely, this could be one of our last art walks in our ‘hood for months to come. So when Gina called at 4pm and said she’s on her way home, I got the babes fed, changed and loaded up to go. Off we went on foot… cruising the hippie, grungie, summer-time digs of Portland, OR.

The girls smelled nag champa incense, marijuana, and fried churros all for the first time. They saw street performers juggling knives while walking on stilts, musicians playing weird homemade instruments and strange, colorful art. They gazed up as people passing by cooed at how adorable they were (either one occasionally giving a heart-melting smile).

Even though I’ve been eating clean (veggies, fruit, meat and nuts) for three weeks now, I let my self splurge a little that evening. We stopped for a PNW microbrew and few tasty bites. The girls, though well into the hour of their bedtime routine, were cheerful champs. They loved the whole scene.

On the way home, racing the clock through the back streets away from the masses and still 25 blocks away, both babies pooped. The red-face grunting gave it away. 🙂 We stopped to change diapers and realized that in our little emergency bag at the bottom of the double stroller we had only one diaper and one wipe left. Oopsie! After cracking up (C and G may not have thought this part so funny), we managed to improvise with a tiny burp cloth and a baby bottle of water/prune juice. We diapered only one baby (because hey, we are doing infant potty teaching now anyway) and off we went. One of us pushed the stroller while the other stayed out in front of the girls doing little songs and dances to keep the girls laughing instead of crying (by now tired and hungry—we had gotten out a little further and later than intended). To add to the urgency, I had to pee. Given I carried two babies in my womb, my bladder is not quite as efficient as it used to be. Each time I laughed, I lost a little fluid. If this wasn’t so fucking hysterical, it’d be very sad. Lucky for us, (and unlucky for my panties) we laughed the whole way home. Sometimes we laughed so hard that we had to stop and hold our bellies and wipe our eyes (or, in my case, cross my legs). The girls stared wide-eyed, smiling and giggling too. It was pretty awesome.

We got home, about 15 minutes past when they would normally be asleep and made a game time plan– mind you, a normal bedtime routine takes about 45 minutes. I peed, first thing. Gina changed babies, I did bottles. Before we knew it we were holding our little angels in the comfort of their nursery, back in the rhythm of their life. With their own familiar smells, sounds and mamas.

In the end, they fell asleep quickly, about an hour later than normal. While I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this even once a week, it was so well worth it that evening. It wasn’t a wedding or a funeral or anything so big it could be well justified. It was just a Portland summer night. But to us, it was everything.

—

Life with the girls continues to be mind blowing. They are discovering and opening newly every day.

Genevieve, who was so stoic and serious, has blossomed. She is a giggle machine. Sometimes laughing for minutes on end just for seemingly no reason at all. Calliope has taken off crawling, sitting up and enjoying her newly found autonomy.

At some point I’ll need to go back to work. Perhaps even a Jay-Oh-Bee (job) with benefits and the like. Until then, I’m savoring every routine-filled day with my sweet, sweet angels.

 

Highlights and Milestones

Together
They ADORE each other. They are interacting, playing and engaging now more than ever. On the floor for playtime and in their cribs the hour before bed, they play, talk and crawl all over each other. I’ve never seen two people more in love with each other (particularly Genevieve with Calliope). Gina and I will be lucky to come in a close second to the other’s sister.

I’d say that changing diapers (along with pottying) is the biggest challenge and past time around here. Each girl likes to kick, twist, buck and in general do anything other than lay flat for a diaper change now. And given that I do them mostly on the living room floor in order to keep close eye on the other, the sister inevitably likes to come along and put her hands all over the poopy diaper I’ve just changed. By the time I’m done with just one diaper change, sweat is beading off my face and under my arms. And then there’s round two. It really is like a comedy show every time someone poops. Unfortunately for me, that’s pretty damn often given they are both on three solid food meals a day now.

Potty teaching, also known as Elimination Communication (EC) is going really well…Calliope knows exactly what to do when she gets on the potty. Genevieve may know as well but she’s not at all concerned with whether she does it or not. We don’t push, praise or shame; we simply keep offering the opportunity to go and acknowledge when they relieve themselves somewhere other than their diaper. “Hey, look! You went pee/poo on the potty. That’s where pee/poo goes.” And then we get on with life as usual. They seem to get the gist.

I make all their food and they’ve had just about everything we eat now in terms of fruits and veggies (apart from a few major allergens like strawberries and honey). They are great eaters, too. They love zucchini, squash, plums, sweet potatoes, sweet peas, carrots, yogurt, oatmeal, adzuki beans, cauliflower (okay, G is not a fan of cauliflower I’ll admit, but we’ll try again), mashed potatoes, pears, apples, watermelon (they LOVE watermelon), and the list goes on. The other night I made dinner for Gina and myself and I was able to take two of the veggies being served and just puree them with our magic puree stick our dear friend Sarah gave us so that G and C ended up eating the same veggies as us for dinner (just ours were not pureed). It was really cool.

The thing I hear most about my girls is how “engaged”, “bright”, “alert” they are. My friend Jill said to me, “that’s because they are present.” I think she’s right. They are totally present. It’s the way Gina and I BE with them. We treat them as two tiny humans, holding all their big selves in those tiny little bodies. We respect them (while holding their boundaries) and we trust them. I like that people see that they are present. Without even knowing that’s what I was shooting for, as their mama, it’s likely sweetest thing I could hear. 

Calliope
At 7.5 months she is about 15.5lbs and 26.5 inches. She is still such a little peanut (10th percentile for height and weight). She’s super flexible and agile, my mom tells me that I was just like that.

She has two teeth on the bottom and is teething again (likely her top). Mainly you can just see the one tooth on the bottom though and it’s adorable as ever.

She smiles ALL THE TIME. From the moment she wakes up, she pushes up on her arms and grins and giggles, even when it’s 5am and she “should” be sleeping. Her gift to the world is pure happiness.

She’s fast, too. She crawls fast, moves fast, and learns fast. She’s been an early teether, early eater and early in all her fine and gross motor skills. She eats like there is no tomorrow and we often need to slow her down and/or stop her from gorging herself. She loves her mama’s home cooked food and her bottles.

If I had to sum her up in one word it would be passionate.

Genevieve
Our little happy Buddah. She weighs 17.5lbs, is about 30.5inches long and falls squarely in the 95th percentile for height and 50th for weight. She’s tall. People remark all the time. They think she’s much older than she is because of her height. She wears clothes that are 12-18mos.

She’s not grumpy or hard to please by any stretch of the imagination but compared to Calliope, she certainly doesn’t give her smiles away for free. That being, if one of us helps make her smile or giggle, it’s like going to heaven; all the world is complete. She’s so pure it’s an honor to be in her presence.

She’s slower than Calliope in her development but still on the early side of the curve, if not smack in the norm. She’s sitting up on her own, combat crawling or rolling to get where she wants, has two cute little teeth on the bottom and revolves her world around her sister.

When Calliope is in sight, G is happy. Giggling even. Rolling on her, touching her, grabbing her toy (or her hair) and in general, eating her sister up. Calliope seems to vacillate from indifference to loving this attention. For G, it’s like C is Santa Clause or the Good Fairy (or fill in your favorite make-believe hero/ine).

Gina and Me
We are good. We had some pretty yucky breakdowns, but as usual, they led to some really lovely breakthroughs. We are (finally) having sex again, talking at length (about politics, parenting, and of course, our amazing daughters), and in general, sneaking in moments to enjoy each other’s company. Two nights ago we found ourselves dancing to Jason Mraz’s version of Summer Breeze in the girls’ nursery while they watched from G’s crib. They loved it so much that we each picked a babe up and the whole family danced and sang together. Safe to say, we were all in heaven.

The house has two offers; an initial offer and a back up offer. We’ll likely move in September or October. Not sure whereto yet but likely NW or SW. I’m looking forward to the change in pace but not the packing and ridding of massive amounts of “stuff” we’ve managed to collect the last decade. Our summer will be mostly dedicated to that. I’ll be happy when we are on the other side and moved in to wherever our new home will be.

My Musings
For now, I’m enjoying our last few months (and last summer) in our home and in our neighborhood.

My body is finally starting to look a bit more like itself (fun!). Stopping pumping worked! My breast size went from a 34J to a 34G. Down THREE cup sizes. Whew! They are still too big and my back still hurts but the unbearable pain is off. Now I’m just down to daily annoying, icky pain. The edge that I couldn’t stand is gone and my boobies are much, much more manageable. I even got two new bras, one for jogging that I’m thrilled about (previously, I couldn’t even find anything). Breast reduction is still on the horizon but on hold for now.

Calliope won’t nurse anymore… between teething and nipple confusion, she lost her ability or interest. Her time is up. When I let myself sink in to this, I cry. I wonder what I could have done differently, what I did wrong… but that always leads me back to a place where I realize, I did the best I could and only what I knew how to do. In the first 6 months it was like triage around here—no joke. Having two babies just simply isn’t like having one. Some things are doubly sweet, and some things there are losses. This is likely for me (maybe even more than a vaginal birth) the biggest loss of all. To compensate, I give her lots of extra mama-time, cuddles and love.

Genevieve still nurses at night and on occasions (bonks on the head, getting shots, overly tired) but otherwise when I put her to my breast, she rejects it. This makes me a tad sad as I really love nursing, especially now that I have my body a bit more normal and life a bit more manageable. Alas, it’s G who calls the shots, so I just keep offering. I’ll do so until she doesn’t want it anymore.

In the meantime, we count our blessings every day. “Who knew?” we say to each other every night when we go to sleep. Who knew? Who knew our hearts could hold so much joy, so much love and that we could be so incredibly blessed with two amazingly beautiful, giddy, unique, wonderful daughters. I am so grateful we got two. I can’t imagine our lives now, any other way.

—-

Linda Brooks, our dear friend and amazing photographer, came to Portland for a visit. She photographed our girls in the park and randomly threw us in a few pics too. The result was incredible. She captured our girls and our family in a way that brings tears to my eyes every time I look at the photos.

As a gift, she created a short video (photo montage) which is simply gorgeous.  Check it out here.

Here’s a collection of other photos from June (month 7)

 

This is why we call her "Monkey". I think she's gonna be a gymnast. Seriously.

Mama with her girls at the Children's Museum. Getting out more and more...

Cuddling in G's crib upon waking one morning.

"Hmmm... I've never felt a beard before. Interesting... "

Family pic at the girls first attended birthday party.

Genevieve in the swing. She loves it!

This epitomizes Calliope.

 

Calliope's loves Mama's 1954 Gibson guitar.

Sister likes it too!

Gina and Genevieve at Jamison Park

 

The girls hold hands whenever and wherever they can.

I love my new life.

I've taken to sometimes dressing them in semi-matching outfits. It's adorable.

 

Callie on the move!

 

Genevieve happy to be sitting & enjoying the sun.

G reaching out for C as usual...

G using the potty.. she's actually peeing here. 🙂

C using potty.. also peeing here. 🙂

One of my favorite pictures of all time... can you see how utterly blissed out I am?

 

Posted in Believing, Community, Firsts, Friends, Funnies, Love and Gratitude | 1 Comment

Seven Months and growing …

Posted on June 1, 2012 by Regina

June 7th the girls will be 7 months old.

So much as happened since I’ve last written. I find myself not wanting to write boring or mundane details and/or  prolific tales (of which I am easily capable of). Then again, it’s the mundane details that make my rich life right now. Perhaps I’ll strike a little balance this segment.

Ceeeeel-a-brate Good Times… C’mon!
The trifecta of celebrations was so blissful. I’ll remember it all for years to come. The girls turned 6 months, I had an amazing 40th birthday party with fabulous friends and Gina and I went to the Rhoddie Garden for Mother’s Day. The weather was gloriously warm the whole time. My evening birthday party at Mint was even outside! It was all gorgeous.

Milestones for the Girls (and for the Mamas)
For my birthday Gina raised a bit of birthday cash wherein I could choose an iPad or the baby highchairs I’d had my eye on for ages. It didn’t even take me 2 seconds after opening the card and being presented with the choice to know which I wanted. My how times have changed.

By the end of the week, we had the girls sitting upright in their Keekaroo chairs with infant inserts and they LOVED it!  At night when I’m closing down the house, I sometimes just stand there and stare at the chairs — stunned still that we have TWO chairs. Two amazing daughters. 

Earlier that week I left the girls in the daytime with someone other than Gina for the first time ever. Camille took exquisite care of them while I attended a solids food class done by our pediatricians’ office– presented by an ND who is also a nutritionist.

A few days later I found myself pouring over the baby food books friends had given me, picking up a few organic items at the grocery store and after the girls were fast asleep on a night Gina was working late, I pranced around in the kitchen making my first batches of food for the girls, drinking a glass of wine and listening to NPR (divine). Carrots, pears and apples (they’d already played with and tasted banana, avocado, mango). I chocked the baby food full of coconut oil, goats milk formula and even butter so they can be sure to get the essential fatty acids for their little growing bodies and brains.  I’ve always loved cooking but this brought a whole new level of joy to the game.

The next day Gina and I sat the girls down in their new chairs and fed them until their little hearts were content. Genevieve was slow to start, more interested in her toy but not unhappy about the experience either. Calliope on the other hand, she was all for it. Gina said it best, “Oh, I get it. I open my mouth and they put that yummy stuff inside!” It’s been about a week since they started eating solid foods and now Genevieve is the steady eater, particularly loving holding whole foods like avocado wedges and pears slices in her hands. Calliope is eating more and more every day. Yesterday and today, the food actually replaced a bottle feeding. It’s funny, that’s how they nursed too. Back and forth with one being more efficient or proficient, then the other. At first Callie was all over the boob. My champion nurser, I used to call her. G took a while to catch on but in the end, slow and steady won the race and today Genevieve is the one who still nurses regularly and effectively from me. My little Callie can’t always do it well enough to get sustenance but we keep trying.

Speaking of Calliope under the heading of milestones… the little peanut is about to crawl! Genevieve is working it slowly, doing a “downward dog” sort of thing and sleeping with her butt up in the air but Callie, well, one morning she decided to raise up on her arms. Later that day she decided to add some knees to the game and the next day she was up on all fours rocking herself forward until boom, she’d fall and then try all over again. It’s happening so fast.

Lastly, just this week we bought a little potty. We are going to start teaching them to go on the potty as much as possible. In most countries this is normal starting at birth. Here in the states we give it a name “Elimination Communication” and then we abbreviate it, “EC”. Typical. Nevertheless, I love the idea. Diaper free as early as a year will be easier for all of us, save us tons of money on diapers and help the environment too. Seems like a win-win. That said, no matter how much I research, I have yet to find anyone that has done this successfully with twins. That’s not going to detour us though. We may not get there as fast as a singleton but we’ll just keep gently bringing the association of peeing and pooping with that new, cute, yellow little potty.

All within a week it seems the girls went from itty bitty babies to bigger babies. We’d left them awake with Camille (they didn’t even seem to notice I was gone), they began using their high chairs, they started on solid foods, Calliope started making her way to crawling, and they started using the potty. A milestone month indeed.

The World is Opening Up
We walk a lot now. The weather has been so great (and even when it isn’t) I put on my new walking sandals and we head out for 60-90 minutes walks through the neighborhoods. It feels great for me physically, the girls love their walks (demand them even) and truthfully it’s the best way for me to handle them now that they are somewhat mobile but can’t yet sit up without me nearby. The living room floor is a much harder place for me to handle two babies than the stroller outside. Much better on my neck and back too. So… when it works, off we go. Seeing the flowers, trees and birds through the girls’ eyes is humbling and magical. Sometimes I stop, go around to the front of the stroller and just watch them take it all in. Genevieve staring at a liquid gold poppy for the first time was a sight I’ll never forget.

Six Month Check-Up
The girls are well and healthy. Calliope, though fabulously nourished is a little peanut coming in at 5-10th percentile in weight (though 95th in head size– big brains, yeah!). Genevieve on the other hand is in the 95th percentile in her height! She’s tall! Hurray! My side of the family is petite and one of the reasons we chose the donor we did was because of a good chain of tall peeps in his family — and it looks like our baby girls got one of each. Genevieve weighs 16 pounds and Calliope weighs 14lbs.

We had a learning lesson with giving them the DtAp vaccine. I was on the fence. Not sure I wanted to just yet given all the research I’d done. Gina was more adamant given there’s been a whooping cough outbreak here in the PNW. In the end, when we got home and read more of the literature I wish we hadn’t done it just yet. Instead, I acquiesced. Not that we would have done anything different– maybe we would still have done it but from now on, we agree, we only make big decisions like this when both mamas are fully on board.

Sleep
Ahh, sleep. The never-ending story.

So, sleep for the girls (and us), got better, then worse, then better. Then worse. Finally, about 4-5 weeks ago I’d had my second time where I declared, “enough.” The girls were sleeping steady but the constant little wakings at 10pm (right when we were falling asleep) and all through the night for pacifiers, rolling over, etc. were beginning to slowly kill us.

We were generously gifted $60 as Mother’s Day gift and promptly put it toward a 30 minute session with Portland’s best sleep coach (she’s not a horrible sleep trainer that one might be scared of… if anything, she’s a bit of a softy but does know her babies and sleep). The session was miraculous. One of the best things about it was that she affirmed how much we’ve done well with the girls and assured us all we needed was a little tweaking and we’d be on to solid night’s sleep for everyone before we knew it.

So, tweak we did. Voila! Magic! The girls began sleeping soundly in ways we never thought possible. IMMEDIATELY. Turns out it was us rushing in so quickly – fiercely afraid one would wake the other- that was perpetuating the problem, even making it worse. Who knew that just leaving them to stir and re-settle is natural for them and each can sleep through the others nightly noises (even loud cries)? Apparently the French.

Moving Update
It took the house 2 weeks to sell. We got a nice solid offer, we did a tiny counter, they accepted and bammo… everyone is on the move. Because our home is worth less than we can sell it for, we doing what’s called a short-sale. Not exciting, not fun and certainly humbling. Yet at this point, definitely necessary (if we were a business we would have cut this loss about 3-4 years ago but we kept the house on pride, hope and a sense of obligation). A short sale takes about 4 months compared to the typical 30-45 days so we’ll still be here in the house for a few more months. Likely to move in August.

We still have no idea where we are moving but we are clear it’ll be smaller and less expensive and beautiful. We’ll be walking distance to parks or nature (if not in nature) and it’ll be welcoming children. We’ll be renting now which I have to admit feels a bit more freeing than I thought it would. A friend recently told me, “Renting: It’s the hidden panacea.” I think I’m going to agree.

Nest steps… neighborhood shopping, researching what our new budget will afford us and continuing to clear out all the crap we’ve accumulated over the years. I am so, so looking forward to ending up with only about 50% of what we currently own.

Boobies, Back and Babies
There’s so much to say here. I won’t be saying it all. Not this time. The upshot is this…I’m stopping pumping milk.

The weight of my breasts combined with the girls getting heavier has taken a toll on my body. I am in constant pain in my neck and back now – even all my old tricks (chiro, acupuncture, ice, advil, stretching, water therapy, wine, sombra rub, etc.) don’t make a dent. Most nights I’m close to tears (if not, crying) and when I wake up now I have only about 25% range of motion in my neck and back, coupled with a lot of pain. It’s pretty bad.

So, I began to consider stopping nursing and pumping in order to get some weight off my breasts so that I can be able-bodied for my girls as they need me (at this rate, I am becoming quickly debilitated). Still, it took me weeks to even say it out loud and another few weeks of weighing all my options and finally, another few weeks of processing it all emotionally. This was not in The Plan.

Yet, nothing about this pregnancy or becoming a mama has really been the way I’d planned it now has it? And still, it’s all worked out beautifully.

I suppose now is as good a time as any in that they are starting solid foods and beginning to take less milk. Blessed as we are, we have about 300oz of breast milk in the freezer, too. So, we plan to give them one solid feeding (7-8 oz each) of breast milk a day for the next few months. They’ll still get goats milk and then of course they are eating solids now. It makes me feel much better, knowing they’ll still have the magic of mama-juice for the immune systems and brain development over the coming months.

After speaking with my pediatrician/midwife and a breast reduction surgeon they all agree that once I stop the milk flow I should lose some weight off my breasts (from loss of milk but mostly from estrogen dropping and shrinking the tissue and fluids back down) but it likely won’t be significant. Still, hopefully it will be enough to give me a bit of relief so that I can keep up with the girls for 12 hours a day.

That said, I’m not sure I’m done nursing. They girls nurse so infrequently now that I’m hoping that if I stop just the pumping, that’ll do the trick (in terms of shrinkage) and I can still nurse for a few more months. I really love nursing and we do it when whenever we can. We’ll see. So far I’m a week and a half into what I am affectionately calling “pump-weaning.”

If all goes well, within 2-3 months my breasts will likely be to their “new normal.” I was hoping at that time I would have breast reduction surgery. (I went for a consult with a surgeon last week who plugged in the numbers and deemed my reduction “medically necessary” even once I stop breastfeeding and have shrinkage).  But, at that same consult I learned that even with insurance (given our $5K deductable and 20% copay) it’s not in our budget.  I ALSO learned that I need to have a mammogram BEFORE the surgery and the mammogram office will NOT do a screening until I am absolutely 6 months done with nursing. So, since I’m no longer in a rush for the surgery, I’m going to trust that stopping the heavy flow of milk (pumping) will bring a significant amount of relief. And then? I’ll be patient and enjoy nursing as much as I can. We’ll see what happens after the move when we get settled and back on our feet a bit.

I was grieving …all kinds of things… that I can’t get the surgery as soon as I’d like, that I may continue to be in pain for another 6 months  and that financially, this is simply where the last 4-5 years has gotten us. All that is just mine to be with. The grief, the patience, the unknown, the longing. It’s cleaning now though. As I moved further in this process and allow myself to be relieved from the pump and some of the weight, I find myself savoring the nursing more and more, little as it is. I also find that my patience come a bit easier as well. As my dear friend Krista reminds me, “It’ll all work out… it always does.”

And so it will.

The Girls
In the meantime, my amazing girls are just totally amazing….

Calliope is learning to crawl… she’s SO close! Seems like overnight she got here (not unlike she learned to roll over). She pushes herself up on all fours and rocks herself forward then falls back down. Callie also says “Mama” all the time now. When I say it back to her she giggles up a storm. It’s so sweet I can hardly stand it.

Genevieve is growing like a weed. She looks like a 9 month old baby (and she wears only 9-month old clothes now too). She is bright, focused and engaging 1:1. She loves eye contact with anyone willing to look at her with love. She giggles and smile more and more now… perhaps Calliope (giggle machine– she wakes up laughing) brings that out in her.

Genevieve and Calliope are so fun, so sweet and truly such a joy in my life. I think I said this last month but it’s true again now, I have never been happier in my life. Ever. This is total, utter, and complete bliss.

Until soon,
regina
xox

Moving!

Callie with her sunglasses. Too cool.

Birthday love with Rhona, Kori and Krista

Birthday love with Sonja and Amy

Rhododendron Garden on Mother's Day

Callie, Mama and the Banjo on my 40th Birthday- a perfect day.

Nursing Callie... I love this photo.

Happy Mama

Nakey in the sun ...

Genevieve at 6.5 months

Calliope at 6.5 months

Gina reading to her daughter.

New high chairs!

Calliope proud in her new chair.

Homemade baby food

First food meal and lovin' it!

Camille reading with Calliope (6 months going on six the way she's sitting with her hands crossed and legs kicking)

Playdate with friend Athan (everyone is a bit tired).

Genevieve discovers her love of avocados.

The aftermath of the avocado (look at those eyes!)

Kicking it in the morning (6mos 4 wks)

The newest addition to our family... The Potty.

Girls maiden voyage to Nike... with friends.

Rhona love (Callie's teeth hurting her...STILL not in)

Debb and Genevieve... so happy!

 

a rare evening Gina wasn't working-- hangin in the park

First time in swing!

 

Callie crawling... 6mo 4 wks

Posted in Community, Firsts, Friends, Learning, Love 'n Stuff, Love and Gratitude, Sleep, Surgeries, Surgeries and Proceedures, What the ? | 1 Comment

Good Things Come in Threes

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Regina

This month, all within the span of a week, I will celebrate my very first Mother’s Day (Gina’s too for that matter), my 40th birthday and my girls turning 6 months old. Wow!

I’m feeling an abundance of love and the vibe of celebration in the air.

We Made It!
You might recall that I’ve been told over and over again by other twin mamas that 6 months is the magical mark where things turn around (and then again at a year and 18 months). For me, I actually felt my first huge relief right around 4 months old when putting them to sleep became much easier and my body began to regain itself again. And now, on the eve of 6 months, their sleeping patterns have m changed, making life, yet again, a large bit easier.

It happened about 2 weeks ago when 3 nights in a row Calliope wouldn’t go to sleep at her normal 6pm. She just laid in bed awake. Not fussing, not even bored, just giggling to herself in bed finally falling asleep about 4.5 hours from her last nap instead of her normal 90 minutes or 3 hours. I thought back and realized this same thing had happened for Genevieve, too, a few days back. So, one night after they were asleep it dawned on me that their sleep patterns may be changing again as they approach 6 months. I picked up my sleep book and jumped to the section marked 6-9 months and there is was clear as day: “Sometime around 6 months from due date your twins will drop their evening nap. If they continue their evening nap they’ll likely not go to bed at the same early bedtime they have been used to. From here forward you’ll likely see just two naps a day with each nap stretching into as much as one to two blissful hours of sleep. They’ll sleep a total of about 2.5 hours during the day.”  Stunning.

I went back out to the white board we keep and sure enough, their naps were getting longer in the morning and afternoon but were spotty, still. Hmm. Could that really be why Callie wasn’t sleeping at night? I wondered what would happen if they didn’t sleep from 2pm-6pm (bedtime). I couldn’t imagine them being awake 4+ hours!  But, seemed like it was worth a try to support them and see what happens.

The next morning after they woke up (between 6:30-7:30am) I put them down for their morning nap later than normal, at 9am and they fell right out. They slept 2 and 3 hours each! I could hardly believe this! Then, I put them down again later in the day around 1pm and they slept another hour or so. Now the real test… staying up from 2-6pm… a whopping four hours! What would we do with ourselves this whole time? I’ve been so used to a 90-120 minute turn around. We read books, played games, and took a nice long brisk walk. We came back around 5pm and started bedtime routine. The girls were SUPER sleepy but not like super fussy-sleepy, just clearly ready. So far so good. At 6pm they were OUT on the money. No fussing, tossing or turning or staying awake. Just out. Not only that, but they slept until 4am before they needed to wake and feed. Are you kidding me?

The next day we got up and did the same. Each day is still an experiment and doesn’t always go as planed (construction outside woke Callie early one day, Genevieve woke too late from a nap another day, Neko woke them both up yesterday) but each day that goes by I get better and timing their TWO (instead of three or four) naps and they get better at sleeping longer.

We’ve now settled into a nice little routine that sometimes looks something like this:

6:30-7am Genevieve wakes (Gina and I take turns on who gets up with her and who sleeps in with Callie). Diaper change and play time for G.

7:30-8am Callie wakes up. Diaper change. Plays a few minutes.

7:45-8am Feed both babies.

8am or 8:30am Camille arrives. She plays, reads books, and sometimes takes them for a walk. I eat breakfast or pump milk or shower.

9am Camille and I put both girls down to sleep.

9:30 I shower, prep some food for later when Camille is gone and clean kitchen from night before (or, Camille may do that if I’m doing other things). If there is extra time (which there usually is not) I will do any of the following: pay a bill, open snail mail, make a call, read email.

10-10:30 Girls wake up.

Diaper and clothes change. Maybe a bath. G gets nursed and C drinks breast milk from a bottle. We say bye to Camille at 10:30 or 11am. The girls and I go for a nice long walk. We read books. We play.

We do all this until about 12:30 depending on the last wake up time.

12-1  Somewhere in this hour we do diaper change and head down for naptime.

I usually don’t get the whole 1 or 1.5 hours of their sleep to myself because they may go to sleep and/or wake up as much as an 30-45 minutes from each other. I usually get about 20-30 minutes to quickly make and eat my lunch sitting somewhere other than the floor. I switch over laundry, load or unload dishwasher, collect and read the mail, pee. If I’m super lucky and get longer, like 45 minutes, I rest/stretch my body. Usually I don’t get to do this last one but it’s a good day when I do—even if it only lasts about 10 minutes. (Today my back was so sore I lay flat on the floor and actually moaned it both hurt and was such a relief.)

2 or 2:30 Girls wake up with huge grins; happy and well rested.

Then we do more of the same! We play, read and go for a brisk walk, this time we walk for about an hour. I make some phone calls both to friends and for businessy stuff. Sometimes we walk to New Seasons and I grab dinner for Gina and I.

5pm Bedtime routine. If Gina is home we do it together but about half the week she’s working in the evening and I go solo.

We make bottles of breast milk combined with goats milk formula, change diapers and change into comfy jammies. If I’m solo I put them both in a crib and feed them both bottles. If Gina is home I hold them in the rocker and feed them bottles (and I’ll nurse Genevieve) while Gina reads and signs their favorite books to them. Then we each burp them, turn off all the lights, turn on the sound and wave machines and set them in their cribs. We soothe them a few minutes and then tip-toe out of the room. We sometimes have to go back in a few times to help them fully fall out. Or, sometimes, if one baby isn’t quite ready to sleep, we put her in our room so she can she flop around and make noise if she wants.

6pm-6:15 I head downstairs with the monitor on and I pick up the house; living room, kitchen (which is already a mess again from all the bottles and such), laundry.

6:30 I start dinner. Sometimes back and forth into the nursery if they are not sleeping quickly but since this new routine that rarely happens.

7pm-7:30 Eat dinner

8pm Clean up from dinner.

8:15 Pump milk. Write in blog or do email, pay bills or other personal logistic stuff while pumping. Sometimes read or watch a little tv, too.

9pm Get ready for bed. Vitamins, teeth, face, etc. Prep all the nursing gear into our room. Sometimes take a hot shower if body is killing me from all the physicality of the day (and the weight of my breasts)—which is often.

9:30pm In bed. Sometimes lights out. Sometimes I read just a bit or play a few iPhone games.

10pm Gina usually home by now. She comes in the house quietly and slips into bed, usually asleep before me even (lucky dog). Girls usually rustle a bit at this hour. Like they know, it’s often JUST as we are falling asleep. 🙂 We listen for them and sometimes go in to soothe and console a minute or two. Sometimes, like lately as they have been teething, we’ll have to do quite a bit of this. On other nights, we don’t hear a peep for hours.

3:30-4:30am Nighttime Feeding: Can happen anywhere in this range. The last two weeks it’s been around 4am. And it’s just one feeding!

5am Back to bed. The girls in their room and us in ours.

6am The girls stir. We bring them in our room. G sleeps another half hour or so and Callie until about 7:30 or 8am.

Whoo hoo! We start all over again.

As rigorous (and relentless) as this new world is, it’s also great in that there is way more of a regular rhythm to the day, the girls seem to be thriving in it and I get a bit more opportunity to eat and have some time to get a few necessities done. Plus, we have 4 hours later in the day where we can actually go do things like errands or play dates. And I’m super excited that I’m getting plenty of walking and exercising in which is great because I’ve been feeling pretty ready for that. In the evening I even get a little time to myself. Not much, but it’s enough for now. Sleep is more plentiful too. The girls stir a couple times a night before the feeding so our sleep is still interrupted but mostly its so much better.

The Challenges
The two things that are harder now are:

1. They are heavy. Oy.
2. They bore easily!

With the weight of my breasts and the growing weight of carrying around 2 babies all day, lifting, reaching, changing diapers, hauling in and out of cribs, strollers, slings, etc… it’s (quiet literally) back breaking. Shout out and special thanks to a dear old college friend, Dayna,  who just gifted me a 90 minutes massage for a mother’s Day gift. I wept when I found out. I go next week and it can’t come soon enough.

As for the girls’ interests, where they could be entertained for hours with the same toys on the same living room floor up until now, today they bore quickly. They want walks, outside, different people and sights… and I can’t say that I blame them. So, rain or shine, we head out every single day- sometimes 2-3 times a day even. Soon we’ll do more playdates and such but right now, it’s just so fricking hard to get TWO of them anywhere! Walking daily is our first step.

Other than that (above), what they say is true! While it’s still so very challenging, it’s much easier. And I have a feeling it’ll keep getting easier… except the physical part. I think that’ll keep getting harder. Especially as they become mobile. And so it goes…

Gina and I
Knock on wood, k? We’re doing awesome. Laughing, loving. Having more intimacy verbally as well as physically and overall looking out for the other person more than ourselves again (survival days may be gone?). We’re working as a team with the girls and the move (see below), the girls’ health and giving each other the breaks we need. I am more in love with Gina than I ever have been. Watching her with those girls fills my heart like I never knew was possible. Makes me teary now even as a write. The girls are crazy in love with her too! When she gets home from work they light up like the sun and giggle and laugh until they are all worn out. Be still my heart.

The Girls
First of all, I am so head over heels madly in love with my daughters I can hardly stand it. I just sit and stare and stare and stare and wonder how we got so lucky. They are smart, bright, beautiful and they’re ours!

They are rolling and flipping all over all the time now.

Both girls love standing while we hold their hands.

They love it when we hold them up over our heads “flying” them in the air (best giggles ever)!

They sleep on their tummies – both of them—now. Sometimes on their sides. Sometimes with their butts up in the air (so damn cute).

Callie sat up on her own this week! Took a quick pic of it. So exciting. G is close behind.

Neither is quite crawling yet but they sure are trying! They are scooting and rotating and are never in the place I left them when I pop out of the room and come back.

Both are really vocal now and have great eye hand coordination.

The thing that people comment on most is that they are engaged, active and alert and have amazing eye contact… and that they are happy!

They are not just smiling and giggling anymore, they are full-out laughing when they feel like it. It is absolutely AMAZING! My heart fills and I am fed for days just on any one laugh session.

They really respond to us now; our voices, our facial expressions, our ASL signs. They understand what we are saying in a more sophisticated way than last month. Huge cognitive leaps this month it seems.

They respond to their names now, too!

While Genevieve came into the world a little weary and uncertain, she sure does seem to like where she’s landed now. Her personality is unfolding and she is more self-expressed now…she giggles and smiles more (though still less so than Calliope) and just this past week has shown us that she indeed has a temper. More than once, she has taken any given toy, screamed in upset and thrown it on the ground. I can’t help but love that she is so fully expressing herself. Gina says she’s getting more like me. Hmm…  😉

They each have a stuffed animal that they love. Calliope her Monkey and Genevieve her Horse. Our friend Lisa gave them to us and they are just perfect. They sleep with each one.

The girls are HUGE! We go in for our six month check up next week so we’ll get all their stats then, but my money says G is 16+ pounds and C a whopping 14. We’ll see!

Milestone: We gave them solid food! First food was banana. The whole thing was hilarious- Gina and I all nervous going back and forth about how to do it right. Poor girls, they were like,  “WTF? Chill out and give us the damn  yellow mushy thing already!” In the end,  they totally were NOT interested but we mostly let them just feel it and experience it in their hands and mouths which is what we want the beginning of their solid food stage to be about anyway. Since then, they have had small tastes of apple, pear and avocado. They have these little mesh nets with a handle that we put frozen breast milk or pieces of apples in both for teething and for trying new foods.

They are cutting teeth intensely right now and it’s hard for everyone. Poor babes.

Genevieve is still enamored with Calliope. Reaching, touching for her when she’s near and lighting up when she’s been away and comes back into view. We have a theory that it may be because Calliope left the nest suddenly when she was born and G must have been like, “Hey! Where’d my sis go?” It must have been shocking for her. We think perhaps G is always watching and reaching as a means to ensure her safety and perhaps that her sister  doesn’t leave suddenly again.

C loves G too, it’s just that there are sooooo many other interesting things in the world and she is one curious little monkey. That said, when it comes right down to it, if C is upset she doesn’t settle well unless G is in the room, settled and near her.

They still reach and hold hands all the time but now it’s accompanied by ear pulling, hair pulling and scratching. Funny though, usually neither seems to mind. I’ve read that’s a twin thing. Go figure.

They each are growing their hair now. It’s curly! It’s also soft and smells so good I just sit with my nose to their heads for minutes at a time. When they get out of the bath is the best, all the little curly cues sit atop their little noggins; makes Gina and I giggle. After a day or so they go flat and/or wavy so it’s hard to catch a pic but will do so when I can. I keep trying to imagine these little girls with full heads of curly hair. I can’t wait to see how they will look when they are 4, 5, 6 years old. Hard to imagine.

Their legs are getting so chunky. Yeah! They have little rolls and creases in their legs and arms that warms my heart. C hardly nurses anymore (which is a source of sadness for me) so G is a bit chunkier, though C has always been a little peanut so that might just be her body type.

The best new development is that they each say “Mamamamama”, or, sometimes just “Mmma!” Developmentally I know they may not actually be saying Mama or Mommy but still, the first time I heard it, I about fell over. It happens more and more now (with our encouragement) and we love it. What will they call us? Who knows. We started calling ourselves each a certain name; me Mama and Gina Mommy… but that became so confusing we agreed that we’ll each be Mama or Mommy and we’ll just let them decide as they get older…which was likely going to happen anyway, right?

The Move
Finally, after years of thinking and talking about it, Gina and I are selling our home. Before you ask yourself if we are crazy, the answer is Yes.

We’ll have to short-sell it because it’s under about $50K. And, it’ll be a total pain to move with two 8-9 month old babies BUT the truth is, I can’t wait. I’m so tired of this house that is too big for us and mortgage that is bringing us down. This is a 2-salary house and we’ve had one to one and half salaries for too long now. In hindsight, we should have cut our losses years ago when we saw everything tanking and knew we wanted to have kids and stay home with them. But, we kept having all kinds of “good” reasons to stay and let ourselves be talked into trying to make it work another year.

Now, we are clearer than ever what we want. We want a smaller house, a simpler way of living and a one-income mortgage. We’ll take a hit to our credit for the short-sale but somehow I’m no longer worked up about that (I was for years). It’ll all sort itself out, I have no doubt. The only thing I care about now is that we downsize so that we can afford our girls get at least one of their mamas with them full-time for as long as they want us. We worked so hard to have these girls, they grow so fast… and what I know about somatics and trauma and early childhood dev, it simply feels utterly important to me to be here with them now. I know already that they’ll be gone half the day at school before I know it.

Where will we move? We have no idea. On the docket for the coming weekends is neighborhood window shopping. We’ll rent for now which actually feels like a bit of a relief in some ways too. We’ll likely move to another part of town just to change things up a bit. We love NE but we’ve been here 11 years now. Perhaps the SW is calling us?

I’ll be writing again soon with deets on the girls stats, what we learn about vaccinations (hot topic), breastfeeding and more on the early May celebrations.

Until soon,
regina

p.s. I’m making a little iMovie for their 6 month birthday… who knows when I’ll finish but stay tuned!

Miss Calliope sitting up for the first time ever!

 

Sleep Chart at 5.5 months... getting down to two naps and sleeping between 2-3 hours a day!

 

Gina with the girls 5months 3 wks old.

Camille taking Genevieve out for walk. 5.5 mo

Gina at bedtime with the girls (usually much dimmer lights)

The girls' dresser... filled with gifts from all their aunties who love them so...

 

Calliope and Genevieve on their 6mo birthday!

Callie 6 months

Genevieve 6 months

G and C holding hands and playing... LOVE this photo!

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